Secret Love

Still Love With You & Your Bad Self

He found himself at the doors of JYP Entertainment. He looked down the street and remembered that rainy day in July. His heart clenched as he remembered Mark's bright smile that had reached his eyes. Shaking his head in an attempt to shake off the memories, he pulled the front doors open. Why he came here, he will never know, but he made a decision that night that he will always regret. He broke his contract with the agreement to do comeback and see promotions period to the end. As he walked back to his apartment he called the contact at 1017 Records, the American label that had made the offer to him. He took the offer.

For a month, he kept quiet about his departure. For a month, he watched Jaebum and Mark's relationship blossom before him. For a month, he watched as the other members didn't even blink an eye at the couple's relationship. For a month, he watched everything he wanted for him and Mark happen for Jaebum and Mark instead. For a month, he pretend to be the accepting best friend to Jaebum and Mark. For a month, he swallowed around the lump in his throat. Jealousy, anger, pain, and heartbreak the only thing pushing him every day to see the last of his obligations to the end, so he could put as much distance between himself and Mark.

On the last day of promotions, the statement of his departure was leaked in the middle of a fan-signing event, catching everyone by surprise. The managers had escorted them out the side of the building. The car ride to the company was a quiet one. Everyone too afraid and doubtful to ask the meaning of the situation. Once in the sanctuary of JYP Entertainment's walls, it was confirmed. The breach in contract had finally been paid in full by 1017 Records. They had bought his contract out of JYP Entertainment, giving him the freedom to move labels. Mark had not looked the least bit surprised, but the other five had gaped at him. Wordlessly, he walked out of the room followed by his manager, and went home.

He had been packing the last of his clothes in his luggage when he heard the keypad on his door being used. The familiar beeping ringing loudly in the nearly empty apartment before the seal was broken with the opening of the door. A few minutes later, he looked up and found Mark standing in the doorway of his room. He locked his jaw before he looked back down, resuming his packing.

"I should've changed the lock code if I had known you were coming by," only realizing then that he had never changed the code from the elder's birthday.

"I would've guessed what it was, if you had," Mark had said softly. "I know you, Gaga."

"Yeah. That you do. You know what else you knew, Mark? You knew how much it would hurt me getting with Jaebum."

"That's not fair."

"Oh, I see. You don't wanna talk about how much you know me. You want to talk about what's not fair. I'll tell you what's not fair, Mark! It wasn't fair that I was working my ass off for the past four years for us! It wasn't fair of me when I asked you to wait while I did so. It wasn't fair when I risked my health not just once but twice for our future. It wasn't fair when I stayed faithful to us while you cheated on me. It wasn't fair when you still hid the truth from me. It wasn't fair when you cheated on me with my best friend," he spat in the elder's face. He didn't know when he had moved from beside the bed to stand in front of the elder, but when he stopped talking, he found himself standing face-to-face with Mark. His chest heaving with pent up anger. He didn't know what possessed him, but he closed the distance between them, sealing their lips together. At first, Mark tried to push him away, but he held the other fast against him with a hand on the nape of his neck and arm around his waist. Then, the elder went unresponsive, arms falling to his side, but his lips still clamped shut. Never in the seven years that they've know each other did Mark ever lock up on him. The sudden staunch wall that snapped up between them, cut through him like a knife, and all the fight drained out of him in that moment.

"I loved you, Mark. I've only ever loved you. Everything I've ever done was for you. How could you do that to me? To us?" The anger draining from him and only tears came. Sobbing, he fell to his knees. "I trusted you."

"That's not important right now, Jackson. What's important is you leaving. Don't do this to the group, Jacks. They don't deserve this. If you're angry, take it out on me, but don't leave. Even if you couldn't keep your promise to me, keep your promise to them. What happen to seven or nothing, seven or never?"

"I can't."

"Yes, you can."

"I can't," he had repeated, anger and frustration filling him again.

"YES! YOU CAN! AND YOU DAMN WELL WILL!"

"I CAN'T, MARK!"

"WHY THE HELL NOT?"

"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! Because I can't go another day watching you be happy with someone else, especially my best friend. Because I can't stand another day watching you smile and know I'm not the reason for that smile. Because I can't stand the fact that no matter how much I strive now, you're happiness is not my endgame. Because I can't stand by and watch everything that I had wish and prayed and worked hard for happen before my eyes and not be the one enjoying it with you. God, Mark! It's so pathetic! You walked away from us and I still love you. You cheated on me, and I still love you," he finished with pathetic huff of bitter laughter and a shake of his head.

By then, Mark was the one crying. "I'm so sorry, Gaga. I'm so sorry."

Gathering all his strength, he steeled himself and stood on his feet. "Just stop, Mark. Don't try to stop me again. No matter how many times you apologize, it won't take away the pain," he had told the elder as he closed his luggage in front of Mark for the last time. He swung it on to the ground and used the wheels to pull it behind him. He approached Mark, who still stood in the doorway and balanced the luggage on its wheels again. He pulled Mark in his arms one last time and pressed a kiss to his forehead, letting it linger there just a tad longer than what was considered appropriate, with his eyes tightly shut. Then he pulled away again and walked out of the apartment for the last time.