Secret Love

What Is Love ?

A soft knock at the door was what broke through the drunken sleep state a little before noon the next day. The sunlight pouring in through the cream-colored floral curtains did the rest of the job. The brightness had felt like a thousand needles were being jabbed into his eyes. Even in the laying position he was in, the world was still spinning and he felt his stomach begin to twist as nausea began to set in.

"Who is it?" he croaked out, stumbling towards the door.

"It's Mark. Open the door, Gaga. We need to talk."

"No, we don't. Go away, Mark," he had told the elder through the door before turning away with all the intent and purpose of going back to bed.

"Come back and open the door, Jackson."

Annoyed that Mark knew he that much, he stalked back to the door and pulled it open. "What do you want, Mark?" he had sneered.

"Back out! Call Jaebum now! I don't care what excuse you give him. Make up any excuse you want, but back out of it now!"

"No."

"Jackson!"

"I said no and that's final."

"What are you up to?" Mark had looked at him with suspiciously.

"Nothing, Mark."

"Then why do you want to be at my wedding? Did you forget that I cheated on you? With your best friend. The man I'm marrying."

There it was. The blow, he thought to himself as he shook his head laughing bitterly, turning away to stumble back into the room. "It may be your wedding, but it's also my best friend's wedding. You told me to keep my promise to the group, right? Well, this is me keeping my promise to Jaebum. We had made a promise long ago to be each other's best man." His stomach had begun to twist again, and he made a break for the restroom.

"Jesus, Gaga. How much did you drink last night?" Mark had asked him, as he rubbed a hand up and down his back soothingly, while the other pulled his hair away from his eyes. The anger in his voice gone and all he heard was the Mark he knew- soft, caring. His Mark and his heart stuttered again.

Enough to forget that you broke my heart, he thought as he threw up into the toilet bowl. Mark's hand left him and from the corner of his eye, he had watched Mark walk to his luggage and unzip it, and take out his med-bag, before opening the mini-fridge and producing a bottle of water. It didn't even surprise him that Mark knew where in his luggage to look. The elder walked back to him, arms out-stretched, offering the two tablets and the bottle to him. He quietly, but gratefully accepted them, swallowing back the tablets with the help of the water before he looked at Mark.

For the first time, he really looked at Mark and confusion began to build in him. The pain he saw in Mark's eyes last night after he had accepted the wedding band from Jaebum was there again. Is it pity? Remorse? Regret?

"Answer me two things honestly. You owe me that much, Mark."

"What?"

"Why Jaebum?"

Mark sighed, bowing his head. "When I needed you and you weren't around, he was there. Everything we struggled with- coming out to anybody, keeping us a secret... I never had to do any of that with him, and before I knew it, my heart was being moved by him."

Jackson nodded. He could understand that. Jaebum was kind man, but he exerted is power when he needed to. "Did you love me when you slept with me last month? Do you even love me still?"

Even from where he sat on the floor, he saw the trembling in Mark's lower lip, and he almost didn't want to hear the answer. "God, yes, I did. I still do. This is so stupid!" Mark cried suddenly, hands flying to pull at his hair as he sank down to look him in the eyes. "I love you, Gaga. I love you so much it hurts. I never stopped loving you, but I can't go on like that. I don't want to be your secret love anymore. I want to love you openly. I want to be able to hold your hand in the streets. I want to be able to kiss you on stage in front of the masses. I want you, Gaga. That all I ever wanted, but it's the one thing I could never have, and I just... I couldn't do it anymore and then Jaebum confessed. At first, I didn't know what to do and little by little, we were overcoming all the obstacles we were afraid of. With him, I forget about what everyone else around us thinks, and before I knew it, he was in my heart too. I'm so torn between the both of you, but I've gained so much strength with him. With him, I'm the me that sat in your apartment hiding."

He grimaced. He understood. Jaebum was the safe choice. Quietly, he crawled to Mark and gathered his fragile frame in his arms, looking up to the ceiling, willing the tears in his eyes to go away. Please give me the strength to let him go, he prayed, closing his eyes. He tightened his arms. "Please stop crying, Mark. You know, I hate seeing you cry. Please, stop."

"I can't. I'm so sorry, but I can't do it anymore, Jackson. I'm so sorry I couldn't wait for you."

"I'm sorry too, and I'll be okay. I understand. Weird, but I understand," he had told the elder, his heart shattering. "I'll be okay," he had repeated more to convince himself.

Mark pulled away and looked at him through tear-filled eyes.

"I'll be okay," he repeated, looking at Mark, but even he heard the trembling in his voice. The pain. The heartbreak. "I understand," he tried again. "I love you, Mark. I'll always love you, but if this is what you want... if this is what makes you happy... if you're happy, Mark, that's all that matters to me."

"Please don't say that."

"It's true though. You know, that's all that mattered to me," he told Mark, cupping his face as he tried to bow his head again. "I'll give you to Jaebum, if that's what makes you happy. I'll give you my blessing, Mark. Just... just please be happy."

Mark began to sob even more loudly.

Forgetting everything outside the room, he pulled Mark forward and kissed him on the lips softly. "Mark, please stop crying," he whispered against the elder's lips. "Just until I leave, please just hold me. Love me."