Lemniscate

So many Thoughts

A lemniscate amount of hurt

So many Thoughts

Every day, I eat lunch alone, I sit at tables and in class alone, I ride the bus home alone, I spend my time in my room alone and I listen to my music alone. The only thing that accompanies me is my own shadow. Isolation is what eats me up and swallows all the last bits of happiness and love I am forced to spare. I walk past this woman with my head hidden but she stares at me with such a repulsed look. Am I so grotesque that I cause people to feel nauseous? If so, I should hide away so no one feels this way. When people look at me, I wonder what they see. Do they see me as a normal person? Do they see my inner securities and secrets? If so, I must hide away, my secrets must be kept secrets and my insecurities must remain hidden. Sadness covers me like how a curtain drapes over a stage.

"honey, I'm sure that the friends you invited will come soon". It was my Year 4 party and I was waiting for my guests to arrive. "Mommy they aren't coming" it had been 2 hours and I was sure that no one wanted to come to my party. This meant no one liked me and that I had no friends. "I'm sure that they are just late". "MOM DON'T YOU GET IT? NO ONES COMING. WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MUCH HOPE? DON'T YOU REALISE? NO ONE LIKES ME!" I ran up to my room and bolted the lock. I spent a weeks up there and refused to come down.

At school, there is this huge group of boys who like to talk about me. Sometimes the teacher marks me as absent when I'm sitting right there at the back of the class. When we do group work, I am that student that everyone stresses to avoid, not even the teachers wants to work with me. I feel insecure and exposed at school, it's like I have nowhere to go and nowhere to hide to avoid people. They like to call me names. Their words cut me deeper than paper cuts and right to the heart.

"Hey, since we are science partners, wanna meet up tomorrow?"

"I can't"

"Why not, we can get pizza?"

"Don't you understand? I don't want to!"

At home, I avoid every mirror possible and when I get home I avoid my family and go straight to my room. I know thinking these thoughts are unhealthy, but I've tried to think of things that make me happy, but they disappear without a trace, as if they were never there. Why do I avoid mirrors? When I look in mirrors I see nothing. Maybe I am nothing. Is that how people see my as? Loneliness is my heart being squeezed so often that there is so much pressure for there to be constant pain. I don't even think my brother knows he has a brother.

"please come out of your room"

"I don't want to"

"Honey, it's okay, at a point in everyone's life, they feel sad, alone and isolated. They are just able to hide it better. Its time for you to get out of the house, lets go get ice cream like we used to"

"No, I wanna stay in my room. Can you please leave?"

Sometimes I imagine what it's like to have a friend, a hand to hold and a shoulder to lay on. I wonder how it feels to have someone to talk to and someone who understands you and likes you for who you are. That is a feeling I will never experience. I am like one of those paper chains you make, the ones that get separated from the rest and stay on the floor for the end of eternity. I am the clouds blocking out the bright sun. I don't think that there's anyone in the world that is experiencing what I am. I feel so different and alone all the time and it builds up to reach this point where I lie and make excuses just to avoid things like school concerts and assemblies. Maybe I just have bad luck, the fact that I'm so bad at talking to people that I just make them weirded out. I blame myself. Most of the time people feel sorry for me. I don't blame them, I feel sorry for me too. I hate being me. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life. I'm just constantly praying for this horror and torture to end. The disease I have eats away at me. The constant poison that wrecks my mind. The disease I like to call isolation.