A series of unfortunate events (reader x Duncan Quagmire)

"Woe is me, woe is me."

"This is a brand new chapter in your lives Baudelaire's!"

My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my sworn duty to research the dire plight of the Baudelaire orphans, but there is no reason for you to make yourself as miserableness melancholy as I am.
If I were you, I would look away before viewing any of the horrible and horrifying events that comprise this ghastly new chapter in the Baudelaire's unfortunate lives.

"In a few minutes you'll be meeting your new guardian, Dr. Montgomery!" Mr. Poe stated excitedly to the unfortunate orphans, know famously as 'the kids who's parents died in a fire.'
"He's your closest living relative and apparently should have been your guardian all along."
The Baudelaire children looked at each other , and Sunny Baudelaire babbled something which probably meant "you are a disgrace to your profession."
"Ah! Here's the turn!" Mr. Poe exclaimed as his car turned a sharp right, causing the orphans to jolt in that direction

Lousy lane is probably one of the most unpleasant roads in the world. It runs past an orchard producing apples so sour that one only has to look at one to feel ill. As well as this it circles a horse radish factory, causing the entire place to smell sour, and strong.

Mr. Poe coughed loudly as Violet Baudelaire winced at the disgusting smell of the entire place.
"What is that smell?" Klaus Baudelaire questioned, his face screwing up.
"It's ginger I believe." Mr. Poe replied through coughs. "We're here."
Mr. Poes small car rolled into the amazing grounds belonging to Dr. Montgomery Montgomery and his daughter Liliana.
The house looked quite normal until you noticed the various giant glass dimes attached to it, and the gardens bushes were all creatively shaped like rattle snakes.
As Violet and Sunny stated at the wonderful landmarks, Klaus piped up a question.
"How exactly is Dr. Montgomery related to us?"
"Dr. Montgomery is, let me see, your late Father's cousin's wife's brother. That probably explains why you never met him.
Sunny babbled something again, which probably meant "but it doesn't explain why we're being sent to live with him."
She car stopped and they got out, Violet suddenly asked,
"What do we call him? I mean he's not exactly our uncle."
"well, you shall call him Dr. Montgomery I suppose, unless of course he asks you to call him by his first name, in which case you shall call him Montgomery." Mr. Poe replied.
Klaus raised his eyebrow on confusion.
"His name is Montgomery Montgomery?"
"Yes, Yes, And I'm sure he is very sensitive about that, so don't ridicule him."
As Mr. Poe rang the doorbell, Violet muttered to Klaus, "I hope Dr. Montgomery is a decent person."
As they looked at the door. It suddenly opened and a young girl was standing in the frame of the door.
"Or my gosh! Hello!"
She had pale skin, freckles, dark brown hair and eyes, and a tiny snake wrapped around her shoulders. She was wearing a small green dress that reached her knees and had a small brown bag with beaded straps over one shoulder.
She looked behind her and suddenly closed the door, and it was opened once again by a tanned man, who looked quite alike the little girl, bar the skin colours.
"Hello, hello, hello." He said, greeting Mr. Poe and the Baudelaire children. The little girl was standing behind him, now with her arm outstretched to the right and the snake wrapped around it. The man too had a snake wrapped around his shoulders.
"You must be the Baudelaires!"
He walked closer to the children.
"Well this is perfect timing because I have just finished frosting this delicious coconut cream cake!"
He handed the children a slice each from a plater her was holding in his hands.
"Take a fork, take a fork, take a fork!" He handed them all a fork each.
"Nice to meet you Dr. Montgomery." Violet stated politely.
"Please, call me Monty. I don't like fancy titles unless they get me a discount at the movies!" He seemed a very energetic man and the children quite liked him.
He gasped. "Do you like going to the movies?"
"Very much," Violet replied, "but our parents didn't take us very often."
"Well we are going to go a lot!" He responded. "To some very important and very special films! What is your favourite movie?"
"Um, Dawn Patrol, the 1938 version." Violet smiled at him.
"It was your father's favour too." He mumbled before standing straight again. "Well let's not stand out here! Come on in!"

As they walked in they again spotted the girl, this time she was petting her snake while sitting on a couch in the front room.
Monty looked at them.
"Now you must be Violet the inventor. And you are Klaus the reader. Your mother was so proud of your voracious intellectual appetites. And you, must be Sunny. Would you like a piece of cake?"
Klaus spoke up, "my sister prefers very hard foods."
"Ah well that is unusual for a baby, but not so unusual for many snakes! Perhaps Sunny would prefer a raw carrot!"
Sunny babbled something, which probably meant, 'that would be lovely.'
Finally the man handed a carrot to Sunny and a final piece of cake the girl on the couch.
"I should be on my way." Began Mr. Poe, "if you need anything, remember, you can always reach-"
"Hey won't need anything from you Mr. Poe. They're finally in my care, and I will dedicate myself to their health safety and happiness as enthusiastically as I have dedicated myself to this coconut cream cake."
Klaus but in, "our parents fortune can't be used until Violet comes of age."
"Don't be rude Klaus!" Mr. Poe yelled as he turned to Monty, "though legally he is correct about the fortune."
Monty rolled his eyes.
"I don't give a fig about the Baudelaire fortune Mr. Poe."
The screeching iguana clock began to go off and Mr. Poe screeched himself.
"Terribly sorry Mr. Poe, my screeching iguana clock does tend to startle some people."
"I think I'll show myself out." Mr. Poe replied and to that Monty said,
"Capital idea."
"Goodbye Mr. Poe." Violet and Klaus said as he left.
Sunny however, babbled something, which probably meant, 'good riddance.'

And yet again in the background a now could be heard for a certain reptile.
"Woe is me, woe is me."