Chocoholic 101

Day 2 - On Repeat

No, this isn't deep.

I mean, in any other book, any other sentence or title, I would've tried to be all philosophical, but what I meant is actually really positive.

Well, I can't really explain it from here so let's go to yesterday;

Yesterday, my mom found my money, my wrappers, and my lies. Yesterday, I was smiling effortlessly like nothing was wrong. Yesterday, my mother spoke to me like there was no love behind her eyes. Yesterday, only my grandmother acknowledged that my binge-eating disorder was not some psychological thing, or a condition, or something I could just snap out of, but a disease. Yesterday, I felt no pain. 

And then there's today.

Today, it wasn't hard to hide the truth from my friends or dramatize my life. Today, I didn't want to share anything. Today, it was harder to smile like I was the perfect happy teen of Yesterday. Today, I'm procrastinating doing my work and letting my academic career slip as the seconds tick by. Today, I realized how beautiful, smart, and kind my tutor was, and how she was everything I was not. Today, I craved for carbs and the feeling of moving my mouth. Today, my eyes told the truth like never before.

You see, no matter how many books I read, how many movies I watch, how many motivational, heartfelt speeches I get, I say bull-shit. Bull-shit to me changing. Bull shit to the fact that this is my fault. Bull-shit to this thing that holds me in its claws, choking the story out of me. 

The story of Yesterday, of how horrible it all really felt. And of how un-horrible it felt too. Because Yesterday was not just an emotion; yesterday was a freaking tornado of synesthesia, a bundle of blazing endorphins. Yesterday was a fucking brain-aneurysm where I didn't care about the physical pain. Yesterday, my mother trusted me and hid a secret from my father cause of her faith in me. Yesterday I blurted secrets out and my voice broke along-side my tears. Yesterday, my mother walked up to me after and spread her arms for her sobbing, broken child to collapse into. Yesterday my mother said, "Forget this. Clean slate, okay? Let's start fresh." Yesterday, my mom stopped mentioning my weight and told me that all she really wanted for me was for me to be happy. Yesterday, I started writing this. 

And this is bull-shit isn't it? I'm letting my grades crash and burn as I put off my real work doing this. This is bull-shit, a waste of time for those who really should be more productive. This is bull-shit for someone who's trying to change. 

But bull-shit is not how I feel right now. I feel light, and I feel open. I feel like I have a shot, like I have the ability to build consistency. Today, I'm happy.

Today, my mom called me by my nickname. Today, I laughed more than I've ever done before. Today I felt the sober shame of last night, sure, but I took risks that I never would've done any other day. Today, I realized that living in the moment meant living every moment like it's my best, and my best is yet to come. Today, I know I just might do this. Today I didn't cheat myself. Today I feel clean and guilt-free like a burden is off of my chest. Today, I caught up with old, tossed-out dreams put under a new filter. Today, I wasn't hungry. 

//

QUESTION OF THE DAY: It's never actually a question.

You have one bar of chocolate. Every piece is a day you can take back. Comment below as to how much chocolate you ate. 

Lots of love and Hershey kisses!