Evergreen Girl

The Evergreen Girl Part 1 Chapter 6

June 17th 1986

I had just turned 4 mom was fixing breakfast it was homemade biscuits hot gravy fried sausage and bacon
I was in the living room playing with dolls
Mom was humming amazing grace which was her favorite song
Dad had been outside all day working
I hardly ever seen him really
Mom placed the bowls on the table and looked at me "Lacey baby breakfast is done."
I remember giggling and running into the kitchen
Mom pulled up the high chair which was old she had it for years hoping that the lord would bless her with a baby
Mom was 45 when she had me
I heard dad slamming the door

"There's my beautiful bride."
I can see him swinging her around kissing her and I can hear her laughing
"David....you go getter you put me down." She laughed
Dad places her down and doesn't even get a glance at me
She dips he plate and sits it down in front of him
"I got the kid some toy cars and trucks that Robert gave me he said he didn't want them anymore."
"What's Lacey going to do with trucks and cars David she's a girl."
I see him slam his hand on the table "I ain't raising no girl....ill be raising a man someone to carry on my name."

"David not today and not at the table."
He points into the living room at my dolls laying on the floor
"That's going to stop I'm not having a kid prancing around with Dolls." He proclaimed
"David my mother gave me those and I had hoped to pass them on to my child." Mom spoke back
I didn't get to know my grand parents they passed away way before I was born
Dad finishes eating and stands up and in the corner of my eye he power walks into the living room
He picks the dolls up and comes back into the kitchen and throws them in the garbage
Pointing at mom "You heard me and will do as I say."
I see the tears build up in moms eyes

Sunday morning came and mom had came into my room
She kisses my forehead and says "Wake up baby it's time to get ready for church."
I wake up grinning and mom gets me an outfit out of my closet and lays them on my bed
She helps me get dressed we had matching dresses
They was white with hearts and flowers all over them
Mom got her Holy Bible out of her dresser and we headed out the door
She puts me in the car seat and shuts my door
I see dad over at the neighbors laughing with him Robert
He stays over there a lot
Mom gets into the driver side shuts the door and starts the car up and pulls out of the driveway
We head to church
The church is an old white building there's no heat nor air conditioner
Standing at the top of the steps is Pastor Lee he stands 5'8 wearing a silky blue suit with a tie that has checkers on it
"Good morning." I hear him say "Glad to have you in the lords house."
He greets mom entirely different
"Good morning Betsy where's David at this morning?"
"You know David Pastor always has something to do."
"Please call me Lee and yeah he always does when it comes to the lord but the lord isn't like that he never has anything to do when it comes to his children."
She shakes his hand and she's holding my hand with her other hand I know a tongue twister and we go in
We sit in the far back which is where mommy always sits
Pastor Lee walks toward the pulpit
He turns around and he looks at everyone
"Good morning and welcome to the lords house
Man it feels good to come to the house of the lord and worship and praise
Mmmm amen....I hear people saying amen.....man it feels good you know in the bible it says in John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish but have everlasting life." Hmmm for God so loved the world he loves his creation he loves his children can I get an amen mhm see God loved us so much that he gave his only son so that whosoever believes in him will have everlasting life....what are we willing to give up for the lord....seems like when it comes to the lord people has better things to do mhm I hear yah preacher we make up excuses so we don't have to go....he points at the crowd....what are you willing to sacrifice for the lord???"
I look over and I see mom crying
When the service is over I see mom and pastor Lee hugging and I see mom crying
We head towards the car and she puts me back into my car seat she shuts my door
She gets into the driver seat and starts the car back up still crying
As we drive away she sniffles
"Lacey baby I know you may not understand what I am about to tell you but that's okay your my baby and like the preacher said what are you willing to sacrifice for the lord...mommys dieing baby I have stage 4 breast cancer and the doctor said I may live a month to 3 months."
I hear the words but I don't understand
A 4 year old isn't suppose to understand anything right?
I mean I am only 4 years old
Mom passed away September 20th 1986
Dad has her cremated and her ashes dumped in the grass behind the house
Like I said dad wasn't always a bad father he had his issues but they really kicked in when i had gotten a little older
That's the only memory I have of my mother
Now being 12 and thinking back to that day did she sacrifice her life for mine so that I would have a better life and for me to serve the lord? That question stayed in my mind for hours
Why is it that I am apart of this abuse why can't daddy love me and be a father why do I have to live this hell???

I'm laying in my bed I have my foot bandage up the best way that I could
I stare at the wall and I just stare
I roll over and I close my eyes drifting off to sleep.