Fighting with Bipolar and winning!!

Pinerest mental institution

Let me share with you how my life was great and then BOOM all the sudden my life went completely out of control and I find myself handcuffed and instituted. I had been married to the sexiest man for nearly a decade. I had a wonderful job. I worked in a hospital called lifecare Hospital and we specialized in wound care and diabetes. I assisted the nurses. I was no longer a nurse aide, I was a patient care Tech. I loved my job and I took it very serious. I was the one in charge of jumping on top of the bed and doing compressions during a code blue. I have already witnessed to some of these patients about what I knew about the Lord. So  when I would do the compressions I would just pray that they knew Jesus before they passed away.  I thought my job was awesome and I really enjoyed showing off my sexy, mexican husband with photographs of us as a family on on my locker. We sure did travel a lot and I had so many great pictures to prove it. I worked third shift and Brian went to ITT tech and I was able to help pay his way through semesters. He was able to work part time as a painter on the side. I had worked at that hospital for about four years and then things started to change for me. I found myself not able to sleep anymore. I was awake all day and night, for weeks at a time. I had so much energy. The energy was out of control. I would start a yard sale, take it down right away. Start mowing the lawn very fast, then I would go to Rite Aid or Walgreens to coupon shop. I picked fights with my family. I gambled all the time. Because of all of the energy that I had, I was super thin with a six pack. I started to become flirtatious. I found myself in bed with a married man that had three children of his own. I played racquetball with this tall, muscular man everyday. We always played Monday thru Friday right at noon. I was the only female that played racquetball at the YMCA. There were about eight men that would show up to play and we would all pick teams and we would play. The guy that I had the affair with was always my partner. In between a couple of games we would sit out in the hallways and we would talk. He would bitch about his wife and how she was lazy and just spent money. Of course he would mention how he was not attracted to her anymore. I complained about my husband never doing the yardwork or how I was tired of supporting him. I started to get angry with my husband because I worked such long, hard hours. I felt like I was never able to cuddle with my babies. I would work third shift and he would be walking out the door to go to school. I had to stay awake and I just did not get to enjoy my babies. On August 6,2009 I found a babysitter. She was one of my friends from church. I told her all of my secrets. She kept telling me not to do this. I told her I could not stop thinking about him and I was going to agree to meet him for lunch. I had given this guy my email address and he sent me an email inviting me to lunch. I got dressed up in a cute short skirt and I found myself sitting across the table sipping on a rum and coke with extra lime. We got to talking about our jobs, kids and I started to share with him my way of couponing to save money. He was so impressed. He was a financial adviser and he found or seemed very interested. I ordered another rum and coke and picked at my food. After he paid the bill, we went out to say goodbye and he walked me to the trunk of my car and we kissed. I could not resist. He got into my car and we drove 2 miles down the road to Shoreline Inn. I waited in the car while he went in to reserve the room. I looked at my cell phone picture of Brian and I and I just could not do it. I went inside the hotel and told him that I just couldn't do it! said I could not do it. That is when we went back to my car. I told him no. I know with all of my heart this would not have happened if I wasn't hypo manic. I ended up making the worst decision in the world. (In 2010 that car was totaled by a car accident that nearly killed me) After this day, I could never look at my husband again the same. I started drinking heavily and continued to see this married man. I lived a double life. I even skipped communion and stopped living for the Lord. I didn't pray. I didn't listen in church. I hated life. I was miserable. I would drink at 8 o'clock in the morning after my kids would go to school. I would start drinking my boxed wine from Walmart. I could destroy a box of that wine in just two days. I learned how to eat celery and onion and I always used Italian seasoning on my salad to hide the smell. It was self-medicating and that is what most people with mental illnesses do. I was diagnosed with bipolar type one. They tried to put me on lithium and that was terrible. In the next portion of what I have been journaling, it talks about different medications and what ones to try if you have a mental illness. I would like to share with you what it is like to be inside of pine rest! Let me tell ya, I was in the phych ward FIVE times. I had always been scared to see what goes on behind those closed doors. Most people that go there are not admitted voluntarily. My last (hopefully last) time I was. They keep you in there until they feel that they have you on the right medication for your diagnosis. I never realized how many mental illnesses there were until I was actually in pinerest myself. You don't have to be ashamed or label yourself, like I used to. I always meet friends during my stay. See, I like to talk a lot so sometimes it is hard for me to determine if I am manic or just wanting to talk. I'm trying to listen more now that I am home and medicated. If you admit yourself in voluntarily you will be there for a minimum of three days. Just plan on being there for at least a week because that is how long it is going to take for your body to adjust to a new medication. All of the medications seem to have the terrible side effect of weight gain. Very few of them don't have that as a side effect. You have to watch out, because they feed you very well. There's a menu and you can circle whatever you want to eat. In between breakfast, lunch and dinner they give you snacks. I know at least for me, that I get depressed when I am overweight. I am only 4 foot nine, so every pound shows up obviously.  It is always fun to me to go to the meetings, very helpful because I am able to see other people struggling with mental illnesses as well. It made me feel like I was not alone. I am a Christian and I really enjoyed the spiritual meetings. It is quite obvious to to me who believes in Jesus and who does not when you are in the institution and completely broken. My Bible that I have had for over 20 years was the best book that anybody could get their hands on. I had so many highlighted and underlined scriptures to brighten anybody's day and really get them something to think about while they felt "locked up." I am so thankful for my family. I am so thankful that I was not unless like a lot of the people in there. A lot of times when you are not on your medication you do very stupid things to find yourself a hot mess. The last time that I was in pinerest I met my friend Amy. She was only 5 foot two, but that is like a giant to me. She owned her own business, she had a nice house, vehicles they were paid off, she was a mother and a wife. She lost her own business because of the mental illness. She was upset with her husband and wanted to file for divorce because he had her go in there. She was in complete denial about her bipolar. My first couple of days being in the hospital, I didn't think that she needed to be there. I had agreed with her. As I was slowly getting better, I noticed that she really was bipolar and needed her medication. She wouldn't listen to me. She wanted to file for divorce. She was so upset with her  husband and it broke my heart. I would love to know the statistics of how many marriages end in divorce when a mental illness is involved. It is too difficult for the husband to handle. Brian filed for divorce with me because I had an affair when I was not diagnosed properly with bipolar. I don't know why, but for some reason we are known to be unfaithful when we are not medicated. I will always, always take my medication. It is not worth losing custody of my daughters. I love how I feel on my new medication, it is like a new me that I never knew existed. I am finding myself. In the hospital all though it was fenced in we got to go outside. I played basketball, football, hopscotch and they even gave us sidewalk chalk. They made us feel somewhat like a child, who doesn't like to be a kid after all. I grew up too fast anyhow. I had fun with the sidewalk chalk and I bought my creative side out. I liked to walk up and down the halls. I was known as the girl that like to sing to Jesus and was not going to gain any weight. I must say that I am proud of myself. I think my psychiatrist was proud of me too. I only managed to put on 1 lb. 4 oz. during my 9 day stay. The guys are separated from the ladies side. So I like going to the meetings to hear the guys stories too. If you go to the meetings, they will let you out sooner because they see that you are not isolating yourself and that you are getting better. So go to the meeting, swallow your medication and just be honest with your doctor because you are only harming yourself if you get out too soon. You're loved ones want to see the new you. You can do it!