Hear Me

Acknowledgement

I know,

You never felt them same.

I always blamed you,

Told myself it was your fault.

You never did anything wrong.

You were yourself.

You didn’t lie to me,

Or do something despicable.

You were just being yourself,

And that was a truth I never wanted to face.

I never wanted to face that,

It was never you,

It was me.

I lied to myself,

Convinced myself otherwise.

I never wanted to face that you,

Were just being you.

I don’t know why,

But I can’t shake this deeply imbedded feeling,

Like everyone expects you to.

It has stayed with me.

The thought of the suffering I cause myself,

Brings at hot pain to my chest.

It leaves my heart shuddering and crying out it agony.

I never believed I could feel that way.

My mind is logical.

The thought that something of this magnitude,

Could occur in someone as young as I,

Was impossible.

You aren’t supposed to have these feelings,

Until you are an “adult”,

I told myself and everyone around me.

Maybe these aren’t those fabled feelings,

At all.

My mind and my heart are torn, bloody, and battered,

Over the war between them that has waged so long.

I am told that these feelings aren’t real,

That I don’t even have a reason for them,

So they must be just physical attraction.

My mind believes that,

But my heart screams its disagreement.

 You must think I’m weird.

No.

I know you think I am.

Not in the good way.

And that makes me want to cry.

Or just disappear forever.

Some days, I want to cry and just breakdown,

Some days I want to hurt myself,

Some days I wish I could disappear from the world.

I feel like a mad woman,

Like I have betrayed myself.

I always told myself that those girls,

Who proclaimed their love for their,

3 week long boyfriend,

Were fake and stupid.

Now I feel just like one of them.

Fake, stupid, ugly.

I want to slap myself and tell me to snap out of it,

To stop obsessing.

But I can’t.

No matter how many times I have told myself to stop,

It won’t.

Sometimes the pain in my chest is so bad.

I want to wish all of this away so bad.

It hurts,

Just to think of you.

I no longer even exist to you.

I don’t think I ever even did.

I was just a shadow.

Only in certain moments,

Was I able to connect with you,

And those weren’t real.

They were fake.

They were lies.

I wished so badly,

So really see you,

Feel you,

Understand you.

I couldn’t do that.

I was a pass time,

Not to be acknowledged,

Where others could observe.

And it hurt.

I dealt with it.

I would complain,

Every once in a while,

Of your neglect.

Each time was fruitless.

Eventually I gave up,

Thankful that I had at least some contact

With you.

Thinking back to that now,

It makes me feel sick.

That I was so weak,

So needy.

But even know,

After new lies ice the cake,

Masks cover my face,

And fake feelings are told,

I still crave your attention.

I am not as weak and naïve as I was.

At least,

I don’t think I am.

Now, I know,

Even though I want something,

That doesn’t mean I can have it.

I have to deal,

With the pain,

Of your absence.

Maybe,

One day,

I can finally truly,

Talk to you.

But I doubt it.