The Attic

Chapter 14 - Diary Entry No. 4

Date: January 29, 2003

Time: 12:13 A.M.

Dear Diary,

                Forgive me for missing out on you for a several of days now.

                My work’s giving me hell. I thought that I would be able to find time for everything but it’s been me waking up alone for the past few days. It’s as if that living with Stella didn’t pay off as I expected. I feel that we are now distant more than ever.

                Last night, or maybe it was the other night, I’m not sure anymore. I lose track of time easily nowadays, so I’ll just tell you what happened instead of trying to recall when. She went inside my office and asked me to come to bed. I figured she missed me and was at her limit, so she did what she knew I didn’t want anyone to do while I’m working – disturb me.

                Guess what I did.

                Yeah, that’s right. I refused. Stupid right? I know. I wanted to take back what I said and wish that I just went upstairs with her, but it was too late because she closed the door and headed back to the room before I could. I saw the look in her eyes and told myself how much of a fool I am to not have time for her. The last that I heard of her that night before I continued working were her heavy footsteps rising above the stairs.

                Forgive me as well for having nothing else to talk about except my work, and how unworthy of a boyfriend I am.

                If someone could describe how I feel right now, well, I think that certain someone would say that I’m cold, and probably worthless. I wake up to find my breakfast waiting for me instead of me eating in the morning with her. I mean, that’s the point of moving in together, right? Doing stuff together? I didn’t see this coming. We’re taking things at our own pace. The difference between us is that I choose to do so. She on the other hand hasn’t taken me out of the equation just yet.

                Have I really? What do you think?

                I want to slap myself. I wouldn’t mind if she does. By all means, I’d let her say it all.

                But here’s the part for which I hate myself even more. She’s longing for attention; it’s obvious when I look at her in the eye. But instead of jabbering about my lack of time for her, she keeps quiet and lets me carry on with my work. This stupid project is eating every bit of time I should be spending with Stella, but she’s this mature woman who understood me, making me wonder if whether I’m lucky to have her, or I just don’t deserve her at all.

                I’m glad to see that I’ve made considerable progress with my work. However, this progress comes with a price. I could see our relationship sinking.

                More and more I ask myself if we’re really ready for this. But the mere fact that she wakes up earlier than she needs to just to cook my lazy self something for breakfast while I slept soundly in bed is more than proof that she’s ready for this. She’s all into this move we made which leaves me.

                Am I really up for this?

                I’m guessing that even you probably think that I’m not. Well, to tell you the truth, I might agree with you, but not before we decided to stay under one roof. I love Stella, and I’ve wanted to spend the rest of my life with her ever since we started. I just didn’t realize that my work isn’t easy to live with simultaneously with a live in partner. It only pushed me towards hours of endless tracing and measuring and leave my side of the bed empty. I was being unfair.

                I’ll have to say goodbye now. I know it’s past midnight, but I’m going to work until maybe two in the morning. The sooner I finish this, the sooner I could make it up to Stella.