Kae's Thoughts

Page 2 - Keeping my heart mine.

(Kae's Interruption: Sorry that I have been gone for a while, school can get hectic sometimes. Please proceed.)

Recently, I have come to a realization. I'll start from the beginning, on March 14, 2018 at 3:07pm I made a very bold move to hit up a really great person. I "shot my shot" if you will, and it went great. Unlike in previous experiences, she actually replied and we kinda hit it off. I kept receipts of everything, every picture that was sent, our date (3/21/18), the first I love you (3/22/18), our first argument (3/29/18) and unfortunately...our breakup (4/28/2018). Even though they were miles away, I felt a connection that I hadn't held with any other person before, we agreed on most things and you were everything I hoped for. I've always said that L. was my first love, however, I don't think I ever felt love until us. The only problem is, the feelings weren't reciprocated.

(Kae's Interruption: I understand others may think we were moving to fast, but, I don't care. Even though it only lasted for 1 month or so, things felt like forever. Please proceed.)

I was told "I love yous", and made empty promises that had me fooled, shame on me. Unlike before, I fell. Not like before when I just agreed to say "I love you," I actually meant this time and it wasn't enough, I was not enough. I tried my best to keep you happy, and it sucks I failed at doing my job towards the end. If I could take all the pain and hurt away, I'd take it and add it to mine. I spent a year without the constant feeling of sadness, and after this situation, it's all come flooding back. I'm not happy anymore, I don't smile genuinely, I eat my feelings away, I cry myself to sleep, I feel the constant hurt everyday when I wake up to my empty phone. Every time I wake up, I hope to get that one text message.

" I'd do anything to make you happy and fix the hurt I've caused. What have I gotta do?"

I wanna reach out so bad, but I feel that it wouldn't do any helping. It'd just confuse things more. Even though you claim to want to work it out, I think you meant what you said. "Well shit im done too I aint got time for this shit again. It's dead. Block me." Being that you said what you said so nonchalantly, you didn't care in the beginning. Or it wasn't the same.

On April 28, 2018 at 10:23, my search and constant need for love disappeared. Love just isn't what it used to be, I miss the days of bumping into a cute person at the mall and exchanging numbers. The days of doing things for each other without expecting anything in return. Nowadays, people just want to talk about dating, have relations and never speak again. I don't want a relationship based off sex, I want a relationship based off of joy, excitement, loyalty, communication, etc. Sex is just a perk. Love doesn't exist for me anymore, it's pointless. People fake love each other and then just breakup leaving each other scarred. However, it's always me. I always end up the hurt one, being young and searching for being in love is pointless.

My heart aches every single day, and my "Breakup?" playlist doesn't help. Long story short, Ive been hurt recently and it's gonna take me a while (like always) to get over them, I want to be in love not just love for a moment, more like for a lifetime and now my trust issues have became even worse. I wont be giving my heart away for a lifetime.

(Kae's Interruption: Thank you for reading. More to come, I'll be updating about my family and it should be up currently. Since, I haven't posted in over a year, I have 2 chapters for you today. Also, i'm thinking about starting a new story, we'll see. Please proceed to the questions down below and answer them to the best of your ability.)

1.) Have you ever been in love?

2.) How has someone hurt you in the past?

3.) What should my next story be about?

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