Love and Impurity

9. Expectations

Her head lay on my chest, my heart beating warm life in waves around the weight of her head. her hair tickles my chest under my shirt but the amount of bliss in the moment carries me to a whole new existence. The waves crash against the cement wall that leads into the lake. I close my eyes and lean my head back, truly taking in the whole moment. The smells, the cool air, the sound of her breathing, the sound of cars in the distance, the way her hair dances in the breezes, the lights over the lake, how soft her skin feels on my fingertips, I take note of every detail I can to remember everything.

This moment of true peace and serenity. The oddly satisfying warmth of this mysterious Rose.Oh my dear, if only we met sooner. she's dosing off due to a full stomach and a calming night, of course tonight wasn't as exciting as her regular nights would go. I feel as if time stops only just for this moment. It feels as though we were meant to meet, this week, this oddly small city, this section of my life. I feel like here is where i take me own next step in life. Here, with rose. I just wish I was something better than M. I feel like I need to make some kind of tree house with that. Maybe this needed to happen for me.

I check the time off her phone which was laying on the ground next to the boneyard of food left over. 11:29, I wonder what time she has to be back. She didn't mention work at all earlier. I look over toward the Hotel, wondering what the guys think i'm doing. What they think I'm doing with her. I tease the idea of us in bed somewhere perhaps a motel. Maybe one day we'll get around to something like that. Not tonight. She starts to twitch her hand on my chest. grabbing the lining and releasing with no rhythm. I can't tell by the moans in her sleep if it's a good dream or a nightmare. The twitch runs up her harm to her shoulder and she inhales sharply hugging me firmly.

"Hey, are you okay? rose?" I start to pet her head and rubbing her back. "It's okay rose. I'm here baby girl. It's okay." She looks up at me with the sweetest tired eyes. scared about something.

"M.. " She grips my shirt tightly. "Please don't go."

I grab her face with both hands. "My dear, I'm not going anywhere." my muscles contract quickly pulling myself and her together. Our lips align perfectly aimed as her tear runs down the crevasse between our cheeks. I keep her there as long as I can until she pulls away. She hugs me tightly. I only wonder how truly hurt she is.

Dropping her off she didn't say much. I tried prying a little but no budge, maybe next time. I sent her a text when I got to the hotel. I asked about tomorrow, If i'd see her or not. No, she works. When I got back to the room the guys weren't there. I didn't really care. The quiet was needed, at least for an hour or two I nap. I wake to an amalgamation of personalities hoisting one another up drunkenly ranting yelling and laughing. I guess tonight's responsibility was left to Clifford who was now in the bathroom reliving his dinner. smalls tripped over the chair and is now comfortably on top of the table. James and Adam are singing bohemian rhapsody to their bed. I guess their night was fairly good. At this I turn back over and fall deeper into slumber.

The morning was slow, last night they got back later than they normally party. I'm no doctor or anything but I can only Imagine what Adam's liver looks like. I woke up first, as per usual, I leave them asleep and walk down to my now favorite coffee shop. Exiting the lobby I pull out a smoke to enjoy on the way. I feel really good. Good night, best sleep I've had in a long time, I hope the momentum keeps going. I reminisce on last night. I remember the amount of cars that went by as well as how many times her hair caressed my jaw, to the sounds of her waking up so aggressively. I order my coffee and wait reminded about how worried i should be about her.

Today I wont see her today. She's working, but I don't like that thought that she'll be up dancing or doing private shows or on another man.. fuck. it's just.. who she is right now. Until i can help her with that.. I can't change her. So how'd you do it? Do What? Fall in love with someone so predictable. You know already she doesn't really love you. She's a stripper for Christ's sake. no, don't say that. Of course I can rely on myself to fuck myself up. You're what's wrong with me. You're why I've never felt like this before. No, you always do this to yourself. You're sitting waiting for a coffee having a mental crisis with yourself. Can anyone even see how pathetic you are? How do I go back to keeping you locked up?