MY BOY

oh, boy

well i'm fucked.

because it's the last day of december

and my boyfriend just broke up with me for the second time; he spent christmas with his teeth nipping on some other girl's tongue, the same girl i put my bets on, the one i knew would succeed me.

and yet, you're here, and i don't care about him at all.

because well, oh boy-

you make my mind fizzy fizzy fizzy warm, the sweet kiss of soda drip lips on a warm afternoon, the stickiness of the sugar it leaves behind on your skin, and it is with that saccharine stickiness that i adhere myself to you - not with hands, no, i don't dare. but with words and glances and the guilty thought of your breath tickling my neck.

because in a matter of minutes you're no longer a glacier, you've melted in candescent sun into a river that's brass and warm, a wide liquid arm of golden starlight-

and when you catch my hand and twirl me in that smoky-dark corridor (so similar yet so different from that other dark corridor with that other boy. The difference is you. you are the late noon sun pouring in thin lines and bars through the windows) even as i trip and ruin the moment, in those record scratch seconds i think i could love you.

and maybe it made me a hoe for thinking that. maybe i was just gasping and dying for love. but i don't care. because i realised then, that i'd spent enough time curling up like a fetus inside my own heart, turning it into a womb to protect me from him. i deserved happiness, i deserved sunshine, i deserved you. the soda sweet boy who made me smile a child's smile, grins of pure glee, and tried to twirl me around in the corridor.

if you want to try again, i promise i won't trip.

- december 2017