The drive to the clinic was long and quiet. I had to force everything I was feeling down. I didn't want to feel anything. My boyfriend didn't say a word either. Before we had left, I asked if he could just give it some time and think about it, but he said that nothing would ever change his mind about this.
I was a spineless piece of dirt crumbling under the pressure to comply.
If only I had stood up for my feelings.
The clinic was clean and quiet. One other girl was there with her friend and son. I couldn't look at the little boy without feeling a deep pang in my chest. I knew I was about to rip the chance of life from someone before they even knew they had it.
They pulled me back after a while, confirmed my pregnancy, and took me to another room to watch a video.
"Pregnancy Tissue" was the word they used instead of baby or fetus. If they would have changed the wording, I might have gotten the strength to change my mind. After the video the nurse asked me a couple questions, but not the right ones.
"Are you here of your own free will? Does the father of the baby know? Is anyone threatening you to get this procedure done?"
I was here of my free will. My boyfriend knew, and he only asked me.
I wish she would have asked me if I was sure of what I was doing, or if I had any second thoughts, and given me a way out of this nightmare.
I can't blame it on her though, it was after all, my choice.
There was no more questions asked of me after that point.
The ultrasound only showed that it was too early to see anything. I didn't even get a chance to see my baby. Maybe it was better that I couldn't, but knowing that he was in there still hurt me. I kept calm, keeping my emotions buried deep down. I felt like a zombie.
The doctor handed me a pill, the one that would start the process. I mindlessly took the pill, knowing that if I thought about it I wouldn't be able to do it. They gave me directions for the rest of the medication and sent me home.
