My hands were shaking as I sat down. Excitement was coursing through my veins. Could this really be true? I looked again just to make sure.
Two solid red lines stared right back at me. I was finally pregnant.
I couldn't contain my joy anymore. I texted my best friend to share the news, knowing I wouldn't get a reply for a few hours, but she had to be the first to know. I plopped myself onto my bed and snuggled up, gently rubbing my hand over my tummy. My little baby was in there.
My thoughts trailed to my partner, and my joy was halted for a moment. What if he reacted badly? What if he didn't want our baby? Could I stand up to him? Who would I choose if he asked?
He was working graveyard, and wouldn't be home for a few more hours. Restlessness and worry struck me while I waited for his return.
Around 8 my best friend finally replied. She was just as excited as I was. We talked about names and what gender we thought it was. I was so happy.
My boyfriend came home around 9.
We were not on the same page.
"Do you really want to being a child into the world when we have no stability? I want you to actually finish school and get your degree. If we have a kid right now, you know you won't finish. We are too young to have a baby. We can barely afford our bills, and you want to add to that. I don't want to end up like my father and do the same thing he did to me to our baby. I want to be happy with you and to build a family later in life. I want our family to be happy and whole like your family and that won't happen if we have a baby right now."
My heart was being ripped in two. I wanted my baby. No matter how I had felt about abortion before, I didn't want it to be the option. I wanted him to say that we will figure things out or make it work somehow, but he didn't even want to try. It wasn't a baby to him. What he said was true though. I was going to school and just changed jobs. We were living paycheck to paycheck.
Ultimately, it was my choice.
One that I will regret for the rest of my life.
