My Search for Meaning

Archetypes of What I Want to Be

I have seemed to always had a goal of the person that I want to become. Whether it is an 'inbetweener' in middle school, 'famous' at some point in my life, a Wattpad writer, or a YouTuber, there is always something I wish to accomplish. However, there's also always a lingering thought in the back of my head that thinks:

What if things don't turn out how I want them to? 

What if I write my story on Wattpad and it doesn't get many reads?

What if I start a YouTube channel and don't have many subscribers?

What if I achieve my goals, but it still doesn't give me a sense of fulfillment?

What if I achieve my goals but it's nothing like I had imagined?

The different archetypes in my head of each of these goals plays into what I think I want in life. I feel as though each of my possible aspirations has a different vibe that I don't know if I fit into.

'famous': Musician, Actor, Talented, Rich, Simon Cowell, snobby, Justin Bieber, Fake

'popular': Pretty, Out-going, stupid, Mean Girls

'loser': Quiet, Nice, Band Geek, Bullied

'inbetweener': Friendly, TV show, Well-liked, happy

'Wattpad stories': Fan Fiction, Cliche, Unprofessional, After

'Youtuber': Logan Paul, Rich, Annoying, Kids with too much money, college drop outs

Are these the things that I want people to subconsciously think about me when I tell them what I do, or what I want to be? Will they judge me based on what I think I find fulfilling in my life and the way I wish to pursue that? What if I don't fit into one of these ideas?

The mural posted above was painted by Tristan Eaton and I visited it when I went to New York City two years ago. It represents New York City as the city of dreams. New York City is a place with bright lights, bright ideas, and where people put their most vulnerable foot forward to try and achieve their life goals. I feel as though I connect with this mural because I have big and some what unrealistic expectations of my life. Even though they don't involve New York City, it still represents how scary it is to put yourself and your aspirations out for the world to see and judge. If things go according to the plan in my head, then it doesn't matter what other people think because I am having an impact on some people's lives. However, what if things don't go according to my plans? What if I'm not cut out for the life I have imagined? What if I am just meant to sit back and watch people like Jayna pursue my dreams? Will I still be able to find a sense of meaning?

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Source: Eaton, Tristan. Big City of Dreams. 2015. New York City. Culture Trip, theculturetrip.com/north-america/usa/new-york/articles/7-must-see-murals-in-new-york-city/. Accessed 5 May 2018.

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