spam diary thingie

i was away

okay, hi! this is nuts. i last viewed this chapter at the end of mai and i'm pretty sure i started it in march and now it's well, the middle of september. 

i have been neglecting a lot of stuff lately, myself included. and normally writing about stuff does me well. and this did me well. well, i miss this somehow. at least that what this used to be? 

there's so much stuff that happened, mainly that i traveled for a little bit and got to see a few really nice cities in ireland, scotland and england. and my mum, brother and i went to visit our family in Iran which was a - trip. honestly, i have no idea how to describe it. but that, also, has been a while ago. a couple of months actually, when i first started this chapter in march- i was already back here then and that's a little more than half a year ago. 

wow. i really don't know where time went and what happened, but as it seems i'm a bigger mess than i had initially thought and that's kind of funny. 

i like writing like this, on here. 

currently, i am sitting here, looking at my screen and wondering 'what did i do?' 

i mean, i started this right at the beginning of this year and this year is nearly over. that's just, i can't comprehend it. 

i suppose i'll try to update you on my life as best as i can, though i know that nobody reads this and doesn't really care that i was gone. i think reflecting may help right now as in this instance, miserable is a word that doesn't even come close to my current state of mind and i am wondering why that is. compared to last year things have been going okay, i guess, and some of the goals i set myself i actually pursued somewhat. i mean, i haven't made it yet but i've come closer than ever and i guess that's something, right? and some things i am actually about to do, just kinda terrified of. 

most notably i think is that i am sitting criss-crossed on my bed in the flat again, where i am with my mum and brother, but not for long. in two weeks time i will have moved to another city, all by myself, for university. which is great!?

i never really thought i would actually go to university, as i mentioned in an earlier chapter i retracted all of my applications for the last winter semester and for the summer semester. but after working that job that i quit not long after by the way, i decided that i would give it another shot. and though i got admitted for the subjects i never thought i would get admitted for, i declined, again, even though i thought that's what i always wanted to do. i don't know why but my gut told me to pursue something else. but !!! i got admitted for other stuff at different unis as well and settled on one of the options. well, i guess i'm going to attend uni soon. which is really super surreal. i am really old. at least i feel really old. i can't imagine that i am going to be twenty in exactly one year and twelve days from today. 

 i signed a lot of stuff and even (hopefully) have good accommodation- my own very small apartment. though i always wanted to move away, to just get away somehow, a part of me dreads it now. 

i am going to be fully responsible for everything. i can no longer look into the past and blame it on things that happen to me then i have to look at the now or then when i start over and i am so damn scared. i feel so vulnerable and fragile. i mean i think, or at least i thought, i always felt that way but never in this way? this is probably not even making sense. i'll just keep on writing though. 

speaking of the past. something really crazy happened. well, it happened a long time ago, actually, but i got to know of it only now and maybe that's the thing that really threw me off course. and i think i should really talk about it with someone, but i can't really. have you ever felt that way? if so, please let me know. i'm honestly curious to know.

it feels as if all days start slow but then pass by so quickly. i am again seeing myself as an outsider, looking in on what happens and finding myself not able to do anything against it. but it's okay. i will be okay. 

there are a few more things that were really, really bad. and i've been writing a lot, just in a journal. but i haven't been drawing anythingand even though i try to write everything out, my mind seems to be so heavy and i simply can't stop overthinking stuff i thought i had processed long ago, which, to me, is very stupid. 

sometimes a lot of things are just very hard, or at least they seem as if they are. for example, i am supposed to call someone regarding the day i get my keys for my apartment, but i can't get myself to pick up the phone and i hate myself for that. i mean, shouldn't that be an easy task? 

also it stresses me out more and more with every second that gets by because i really need that call to happen but i can't do it. i don't know. it's stressing me out, the calling part and the not calling part. 

i am super sorry that i am rambling so so much. 

but moving, or preparing to move, has been a mess. my room is a total disaster. i have only two boxes i want to take, but yet it seems as if i am drowning in things. even though over a year ago i mentally already prepped for this? i cleaned out my room in taking all of my things off of the walls and such, remember? that was the first chapter of the other book and that is again, mind-boggling. is that even a word? 

though i hate to admit it i think this could be really bad for me. this whole thing. but still. i try to think the way i thought when i was good. does that make sense? that reminds me of dodie's song 'dear happy'. i really like that song. but i hate this. 

i will try to update my works on here. i am not sure about this particular work. but i will try to draw again. and to write other things. isn't it weird how people write? i mean, you are reading things i am currently thinking and that to me is a little bit weird. as a kid, and sometimes now still, i would like to be able to read people's minds. well, currently you are reading my mind from me in the past when i wrote this? that's really weird, i guess, isn't it? i promise i am not tripping or anything, i am just wondering about this? i guess. 

there's so much more to tell. but i don't know if i should continue writing. please tell me if you're reading this. are you interested? i could try and talk about good things. like music, there's been lots of new songs i have been enjoying listening to. also maybe you're wondering (you're probably not wondering about this and i don't know why you should be, sorry) what happened to my driving school things that i have been going to for what feels like forever as i always mentioned it. and what happened to my 'friends'- which, the answer to that i don't even really know myself. i mean, i still would like to think that i have people here on wattpad to talk to but i actually don't even know about that anymore- no harm intended- i wasn't here. if it is anyone's fault,, it's mine. but i actually meant like those other friends i talked about in the other book, you know. and i guess also sometimes in my poetry. haha fun fact (that'S not really fun for me- that one girl i used to write about is also going to live near the city i am going to move to even though it is A DIFFRENT city i am moving to why is live so cruel hahahahahaha) bt yeah if youd like to know more about that i'll happily rant on for days i guess. also i had a huge falling out with this one old friend of mine that i have known ever since grade one- you know that one i visited for new years but there i sso much more to that story, that story would actually be a good one to tell but this chapter is already kind of long. 

so yeah, do tell me please

see ya later allig8or if not here then somewhere else in another work or something ok byeeeee 

ps if you read this far please tell me why you're doing this to yourself 

pps thx for reding if you read this far and even if you've only read the first word and didn't even make it till here or even if you're only reading this because these are the last words i've written 

pps they're not really the last word but i'm not even fixing the mistakes in this because i will overthink this i am instead just going to post this garbage ok byeee now for real