Everyone Wears a Mask

Untitled Part 1

 It's amazing how much of life is made up of smiling for others, looking pleasant for others, being fine for others. I genuinely don't remember the last time I enjoyed something, but that didn't matter, because telling anyone would have caused more harm than good. People would just worry about something unfixable, or try to help something they don't understand.

I told my best friend, Leia, a while ago how I was feeling, but she just thought I was bored. After all, school just finished, my first year of college, and of course my grades were nothing to be impressed about, A's and B's but I got a C in a class. In Highschool those grades were fine, but a C in college is horrendous apparently.

But of course, that didn't matter. Nothing mattered. I was just running on autopilot at this point, going through the same motions every day, saying the same things, having the same fights, playing the same games. And by games, I literally mean games, not like manipulations or mental games with other people. I'm somewhat of an addict and have been my whole life. Anything with a screen and I'm stuck to it. After all, any reality was better than this one.

Books were my best friend too when the internet was down. I'd read the same books over and over again since I couldn't afford any more on a college budget. But I still spent most of my time online. But recently even that's started to get really uninteresting. I'm kind of in a state of emptiness. I rarely smile genuinely anymore, just to show people I'm okay. My laugh is always fake, so is any interest I have when I ask about people's lives or something. I just wish I could be real again.

But none of that matters. Because nothing is going to change any time soon, so there's no use in telling anyone, and there's no use in making anyone worry.

So, I got a rubber band on my wrist, and I snap it as often as I can. The other day I had such a breakdown I took apart my razor. I didn't do anything, but it scared me enough to throw it away. I told my best friend I was feeling better, that she was right and I was just bored. I told my dad I was fine, that I just didn't want to talk to him about anything. Put a smile on my face and moved on.

It's amazing what everyone is willing to believe just so they don't have to worry. Everyone believes what they want to believe, even if the lie is staring right at them. But like everything else that doesn't matter. As long as I'm okay, they're happy. So I'm okay.