Everyone Wears a Mask

Untitled Part 3

I've been feeling a little better, been focusing on other things and found a new obsession. World of Warcraft was and always will be the nerdiest game I ever played, but damn was it fun. My sleeping schedule has already gone to shit, staying up so early I have to hop into bed when I hear my dad's door open, just so he won't yell at me for staying up all night. The dark circles under my eyes and leftover make up I'm too lazy to remove makes me look like a drug addict, but honestly who's going to actually look at me. 

The only problem, is I have yet to get a job. I want nothing less than to go outside and actually talk to people. To have to fake a smile and give that weird grimace and shit excuse for a greeting when others nod at me on the street. The worst part is my mom and my dad, who never speak for ANYTHING, including how they're paying for my college, somehow managed to have a full conversation and decided to shut off my internet starting midnight tonight, only turning it back on in the morning. And if by June 1st I still don't have a job, it will be worse, and if by then I don't have a job, I won't be living on campus for school. 

Which is ironic, because if I live on campus, I 100% am guaranteed a job, one I wouldn't hate. But that doesn't matter, because what I want doesn't matter. 

And don't get me wrong, I know I need a job, I know I need to go out and get money. I know that, but it's like it doesn't register. I keep leaving it for the next day, and the next day, thinking I don't want to do it today, tomorrow for sure. It's like I'm in a state of repetition, where I wake up, get online, don't move for 13+ hours and go to sleep at 7 in the morning. The 20 pounds I gained my freshman year are already gone because I don't eat anymore. 

Eating doesn't level up. 

I have a few interviews, but I'm debating actually going to them. I'm not very good at self-control. Or any control to be honest. I'm the kind who can't force herself to work out. Who can't say no to food even though I'm already full, who will always say yes to the next hit even though I'm high off my ass, knowing damn well another hit will make me throw up. No self-control. Zip. Nada. 

I miss writing. I miss taking the time, and just writing, and enjoying it, and not wanting to do anything else. I miss having ideas, and having creativity, and having some emblem of a drive to create something. You never realize how lucky you are until you've hit a wall, and can't see over or around it. 

But I have been feeling better. I've been laughing a bit more, smiling a little bit more. Mostly because I reconnected with a few friends I haven't really spoken to in a while. And they always knew how to make me laugh. 

Last night was the first time I cried from laughing in a long time. I saw Deadpool 2 and goddamn it was as good as the first one, absolutely hilarious and 10/10 recommend. Went with the few real-life friends I actually have, and we spent over 2 hours in the theater because we got there an hour early. It was the most fun I'd had in a while, and I genuinely missed them. 

But tonight is Friday, and at midnight the internet will be out. And so will anything I have to escape from this world. Maybe I'll re-read Throne of Glass for the 9th time. Or finish another of the pile of books I started but never finished. Who knows. Theres a world of possibilities. And I hate every one of them.