Monster

.6.

I had not known how many years had passed, not truly.

The pack had grown far too large to stay unseen. We needed territory, we needed land. Persephone's gaze continually turned towards the edges of the trees. Her gaze cold and calculating, ice that was cracked and would threaten to break underneath your feet. It was a warning, a premonition, of what was to come.

We needed space and the males had it.

She had come to me one day, come to where Cyan and I ate our lunch underneath the large tree where we had practised how to use my fear with nothing but sticks in our had. I had been staring at the sky, thinking about her eyes. Cyan had been speaking to me, about what? I did not know. It was only until he had grown silent and she entered my vision that I had been pulled away from my musings, my thoughts of her eyes.

"Come." It had been one word but she had held out her hand in my direction. The colour of her gaze was one that I had never seen before. Worry and strife turned them a murky blue, an uncertain ocean before a storm. "Kin." My name out of her mouth had me taking her hand, letting her pull me to my feet as she let me go, walking away.

I followed her, revelling in the touch she had given me, the firm grasp of her hand against mine, my name upon her lips. I followed her, tracing the lines of her body with my eyes, trying hard to tamp down my longing. She was not her usual self. Her shoulders were pulled forward, her steps uneven. She had lead me into the forest before she had stopped.

I asked her what it was she needed when all I wanted to do was ask her what was wrong, what it was that turned her eyes to murky and pulled her shoulders to the earth.

"We need land." She had said it as she turned around, her gaze not on me but looking back through the trees to where the pack sat. I nodded. We all knew this. The pack was growing too large to stay unseen. We would have males coming to look to see what this part of the forest held as we expanded close to their territories.

The monster had grown large but I wondered if it had grown fat as well. Too fat. We had sharpened our claws, practised battle, played at war but was it enough?

"We need land." She repeated it, her brows furrowing, her gaze unsure as she stared out into trees.

"The males have land." They did. Large swaths of it that used to be our prisons. It would be easy to take. Males squabbled over their land, pretending to bite, snarling and puffing themselves up. What would they do against a war form coated in steel? I didn't know.

"They do." She met my gaze then, those blue looked into me, searching, probing, seeking. "Would you fight if I asked it of you?" Her words were low and they danced along my skin and I did not hesitate as I nodded. I would fight whatever she wished. My sword was hers and I wanted her to know that. "Even if it could mean your death or your capture?" Again I nodded without hesitation.

If she asked me I would follow her to the ends of the world, would tip off the edge into the void. She did not know of my longings, did not know of how much she meant to me. If she asked me to fall upon my sword, I would do so.

She looked at me, her eyes narrowing, something swirling in her gaze I could not grasp or understand before Cyan came close, calling my name. She jolted, blinking rapidly as she looked away from me, towards the pack. She moved by me, reaching up and grasping my shoulder and giving it a small squeeze.

The touched seared into my skin, made my knees weak and my heart race but it was fleeting as she dropped it, moving away. "We will move out at dawn." Her words echoed around me and I stayed put, unsure of what had happened, unsure of the future.

Cyan had appeared in my vision, his eyes wild and his breath heaving. He told me he heard, begged me to respond. I simply blinked, telling him that I would follow her into battle. He hugged me then, pulling me tight to his large frame. I could hear his heart beating fast and frantic in his chest.

I knew he loved me in that moment but I knew it was not my burden to bear.

He had pulled away, cupping my cheek with his hand, words trying to escape him lips but nothing coming out but stammers. His eyes begged me, asked me to see him. I couldn't be what he wished, I knew that, he knew that but yet, there was a hesitation for my denial.

"I do not like males." I said it slowly. Too much hurt, too much trauma had made me incapable of wanting them. Incapable of me wanting him like he wanted me. He nodded, he knew this, he saw this. "But I do not wish to be alone tonight." I did not wish to be alone with my thoughts, with my longings. I did not wish to sleep with a cluttered and frantic mind. "I wish to be with a friend." I wanted to have someone there that I loved in my own way and that loved me back.

Cyan might have wanted me as a male wanted a female but I knew he understood what I was saying. He followed me back to camp, we did not speak, we went about our days and when night fell he met me at my tent.

It was different than with a female. So different.

There was still a bit of fear but Cyan was gentle, caring, and I could feel his love for me and it was enough to drown it out. My body responded as it did with any feminine touch but perhaps in a different way and I knew that if he had not been my friend that I never could have given that to him. Could never have taken him within me, could never had let him cover my body with his. He was my friend and I asked to be with a friend.

Late at night, as he held me tight in his arms, his head on my chest, his breath coming in soft movements, I trailed my hand through his hair and wondered if I would have been different if I had been taken like that before. I wondered if it would have made me want males or if I still would have been the same, just with less fear, less trauma.

I did love Cyan, in my own way.

I ran my fingers through his hair, brushing through the soft strands as he slept. I wondered if either of us would make it out of the fight, come out of the battle on the other side or if one of us would fall, perhaps both of us.

More importantly I wondered if this would change who we were to one another. If he would believe that this was a claim over my body and that I was now his. I knew I would break his heart if he thought so.

But Cyan had always been smart, always watched, so perhaps he knew. This was just comfort, this was just friends saying a potential good bye.

I did not know what dawn would bring but I knew that because Persephone asked it of me, I would fight by her side.

A war within and without.