Jupiter

The Hannah Baker Chapter

I can't stop thinking about him... What is it about him? Why do I feel this way? I need him...

You are probably wondering who? Well sadly it's not my boyfriend.... It's Chris, something happened between us and now I'm falling for him. Hard.  Andrew is just always busy and I feel like he doesn't love me anymore, he always has to go and is conveniently "busy" when I ask him to hang out. Why? WHY? WHY CAN I NOT BE A NORMAL GIRL?! Why is it hard for me to stay loyal?  I love Andrew but there is just this spark between Chris and I.

He said he might have caught feelings for me but those are probably long gone... especially after Angelica found my diary and put it on SnapChat

What happened was......

May 5th

All day Chris and I were texting and I know what you are thinking: "Why are you still talking to him?"

People have their own reasons for their actions but I was addicted to the thought of him, even for the thought of him being mine for a day. 

I was really bored and I decided to give him a call because I love the sound of his voice.  We ended up staying up on the phone all night. We talked about anything and everything and he had me hooked on every little  word he said. He was amazing and he could always make me smile.

Then there was a confession between us... I liked him a lot and he knew that but I didn't know if he would feel the same way.  He said at approximately 5:30 am

" Hey Jupiter...Um I was lying when I said I only like you a little."

My heart sank....

"I like you a lot more than that..."

I was internally jumping for joy and I screamed into my pillow I was so happy.

"Really?"  I said slightly tearing up.

"Yeah.."

That excitement was short lived....

When I checked my phone when I woke up I saw a text from him

Chris: I'm sorry Jay we can't be together because I need you as a friend right now.

Jupiter: Oh it's okay I understand.....

Chris: You have Andrew anyways and I don't want to be the reason you guys break up....

Jupiter: Uh yeah...

Chris: See you later Jay... I got to go

Jupiter: Yeah see ya.....

I cried for a little bit but I have Andrew and I'm glad that Chris is out of the way now I guess... because then I won't have to worry about staying loyal to Andrew... Why am I like this???? WHY? What is so wrong with me that I long for another mans touch that is not my boyfriend? I need help. Lots of it...

I cut everything off with him Andrew was way to important.

*Time Skip*

These are real photos of my scars... everything is getting to be too much. I hate myself. I would like to see people live my life before they go off and call me a lying whore. I'm not a liar in the least. The truth will come out in time...
Every time I walk by people they yell nasty things like
"Whore"
"Slut"
"Herpes infested Skank"
I'm tired of it.
I did stupid things but why do I get punished more than everyone else.
I feel like I'm dying
It infuriates me how everyone thinks they have a fucking opinion and they think they know everything that happened because of a lying skank. No this is the truth. Why would you believe a pathological liar like Angelica? I have nothing to prove to you fuckers I'll hopefully never see y'all again.
People say just ignore it. Yeah sure... ignore the fact that every single fucking time I walk by people they plug their noses because they don't want my herpes. I DON'T HAVE HERPES!!!! How about when you find your name on books saying
"Jupiter has AIDS"
Huh?! How would you like it? How would you like to be scared to go to school everyday? Coming home in tears because of the things people say! How would you feel when you try to tell the truth and everyone doubts you and believes the lies and rumors. How would you like it if people insulted you everywhere you went. The anxiety is overwhelming me and I can't take it anymore. I'm done. I'm done with everything.

{TIME SKIP}

My parents pulled me out of school today because the stupid principals did NOTHING. Every one there is stupid and stuck up. They are all so self absorbed and their heads are so far up their own asses that they can't see whose struggling.

Change... a concept that happens but many don't like it.
I feel so overwhelmed. My shoulders start to feel blistering hot, my vision becomes blurry, and it's getting harder and harder to breathe. I start to feel dizzy and nauseous. I feel like I'm going to pass out and the walls are closing in on me. Fear. Panic.
This is what an anxiety attack feels like.

-TIME SKIP-

Celeste and I have been hanging out quite a bit. She's the only person who truly has my back. The only one I trust with every secret. Without her I would be dead now. I would have taken my own life... yeah I bet you didn't know that. I can put my mask on and act happy and like I'm fine and I'm a boss but I'm not ok. Celeste is the only one I have. She's that one person who changed my life. She saved me. I love her like my own sister.
She's helped me get through with everything and those nasty comments. Yeah you don't think I see those do you? Honestly it's kind of pathetic that people feel the need to hate and make accounts just to post hate. Why are you so obsessed with me?!
Oh I know why. Because you get off on making my life a living hell. That's it. I get it.

•ANOTHER TIME SKIP•

I tried to escape it. I tried to run away. It's following me every where. Why can't I be happy? The bullying is so much I can't take it anymore.
I. Want. To. Die.

I just got home from my dads... nobody is home currently... what you are about to see might be the last moments of my life... so yeah now you know what you've done to me. My skeletons aren't all out of the closet but they will when they are ready.

I'm tired of everything. Say whatever the fuck You want. Say I'm an attention whore. Tell everyone what a skank I am even though I'm a virgin. It won't matter. I'm sorry that I was such a nuisance to everyone.
Don't worry about me or where I'm going. Just know I won't be suffering anymore. As this last year falls down my face.