Metanoia: SHOW-OFF BATTLE

25.

Semantic Satiation

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"Semantic satiation is a psychological phenomenon in which repetition causes a word or phrase to temporarily lose meaning for the listener, who then perceives the speech as repeated meaningless sounds."

I adore you, but we're both too damaged for one another.

Two ill people cannot take care of each other if they're both bedridden.

I want to say "I love you" but I fear that those three words have been so overused throughout history that it eventually lost its meaning.

But I think the bigger reason why I can't say those words is that I fear that whatever this...thing we have between us would escalate into something I am not yet ready for. Something so overwhelming that I lose all control.

We're both looking for something and we both know whatever that is, we can't provide it for each other. I know I am toxic, but when you first came into my life, you are sunshine personified. And for a moment, I hoped (and maybe even believed) that you'll be the one to pull me out of the shadows.

But as we gradually discovered more things about each other, I figured out that you're ill the same way as I am. Damaged. Right then and there, I realized that we are both waiting to be pulled out of the shadows.

But how can any of us do that for the other if we're both in it?

***

We kissed.

The memory wasn't a cliché under the rain or with the sunset as a backdrop. No.

It was a scripted act, almost like a performance, a necessary plot device of lips meeting lips in order to progress the narrative. Otherwise, we'll just keep dancing in this gray area between something more and nothing special.

But even the idea of lips touching lips has lost its meaning.

When did we decide that our feeding holes meant something romantic anyway?

***

The funny thing about meaning is that it can be carried by anything.

The signified and the signifier. The love and the letter.

The medium and the message. The coffee at your desk and the thought behind it.

A clean bedroom after a busy day. Comfort food after a panic attack. The acknowledgement of space, of distance, and its importance in healthy relationships.

Wordless carriers of meaning.

Maybe it's because the broken understands the broken.

Kintsugi, the Japanese art of mending broken pottery with gold-dusted lacquer, treats breakage and repair as part of the object's history.

More beautiful than they were before they were broken.

***

I finally said the words.

You know what they are because they hold no meaning anymore.

It was a Tuesday afternoon and we were waiting for a taxi under the summer heat. Nothing romantic.

Perhaps that's the problem: we were trained to use this very specific language of love even though it doesn't work for everybody. That ends today.

The smile on both our faces held the promise of building that language together, personal and meaningful.