be more chill script

act 1 scene 3

(The boy’s bathroom, after rehearsal. JEREMY is trying to wash the letters off his
backpack when RICH walks in.)

RICH
I told you not to wash that off.

(JEREMY busies himself with his backpack.)

JEREMY
Where’s my homework?

RICH
I’m talking to you, tall-ass!

JEREMY
Why do you keep calling me that? I’m not even that tall!

(RICH heads to a urinal.)

RICH
You could be, if you weren’t hunched over all scared all the time. The only thing
more pathetic is the way you’re sneaking off to a stall to get away from me.

(JEREMY was trying to do just
that. He stops, busted.)
Stall’s for girls. You a girl, Jeremy?

JEREMY
How can you talk to people while you’re… Y’know.

RICH
Confidence.

JEREMY
You might wanna…watch the floor…

(Because suddenly, Rich is twitching. As if he’s receiving a message from beyond. He
begins muttering to himself under his breath. It’s
creepy.)

JEREMY
Uh… I just remembered I don’t have to pee after all—

RICH
Don’t move.

(JEREMY freezes. Slowly, RICH zips up. Then turns to face
JEREMY. Menacing.)
You don’t remember me freshman year, do you?

JEREMY
You didn’t go here freshman year—

(RICH pounds the wall. Scary.)

RICH
I DID! You just didn’t notice. Nobody did!

       “The Squip Song”
RICH
FRESHMAN YEAR
DIDN'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND OR A CLUE
GOOD TIMES WOULD ONLY
SOAR BY
I WAS GROSS
AS EVERY FEMALE WOULD ATTEST
MY SEXTING WAS A FUTILE QUEST
MY LITTLE PENIS WAS DEPRESSED
IT WAS SO LONELY
POOR GUY
I WAS HOPELESS, HOPELESS
I WAS HELPLESS, HELPLESS
EVERY TIME I'D WALK THE HALLWAY I WOULD TRIP
I WAS STAGNANT AND IDLE
I WAS SO SUICIDAL AND THEN, THEN, THEN
THEN, THEN, THEN, THEN, THEN
THEN, THEN, THEN, THEN
THEN I GOT A SQUIP.

JEREMY
You got quick?

RICH
Not quick. Squip.

JEREMY
I’ve just never heard of it before.

RICH
That’s the point. This is some top-secret-can’t-even-look-it-up-on-the-internet
shit.
IT'S FROM JAPAN
IT'S A GREY OBLONG PILL
QUANTUM NANOTECHNOLOGY CPU
THE QUANTUM COMPUTER IN THE PILL
WILL TRAVEL THROUGH YOUR BLOOD UNTIL
IT IMPLANTS IN YOUR BRAIN AND IT TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO

JEREMY
What? That’s not even possible.

(RICH shoves JEREMY against a wall—)

RICH
Shut up, tall-ass!

(Beat, he realizes what he’s
doing and lets him go.)
Sorry, old habits. Look, I apologize for treating you like human garbage all the
time. I only did it ‘cause my squip said I had to. But now it’s saying you’re not a
bad guy. That you might want a squip of your own. ‘Course, if you’re not
interested…

JEREMY
So it’s like… (whispers) Drugs?

RICH
It's better than drugs, Jeremy.
IT'S FROM JAPAN
IT'S A GREY OBLONG PILL
QUANTUM NANOTECHNOLOGY CPU
THE QUANTUM COMPUTER IN THE PILL
WILL TRAVEL THROUGH YOUR BLOOD UNTIL
IT IMPLANTS IN YOUR BRAIN AND IT TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO
IT'S PRE-PROGRAMMED
IT'S AMAZING
SPEAKS TO YOU DIRECTLY
YOU BEHAVE AS
IT'S APPRAISING
HELPS YOU ACT CORRECTLY
HELPS YOU TO BE COOL
HELPS YOU RULE
PICTURE THIS
NOBODY CARES IF YOU ARE LATE
CUZ EVEN TEACHERS THINK YOU'RE GREAT
YOUR WEEKEND'S JUST A FULL-ON SLATE
OF BLOWOUT BENDERS
OF TEENAGE ROCKSTAR SPLENDORS
RIGHT NOW YOU'RE HELPLESS, HELPLESS
YOU ARE ALMOST HOPELESS
ON THE SCHOOL SOCIAL MAP YOU'RE JUST A BLIP
BUT IF YOU TAKE MY ADVICE AND IF YOU
PAY THE LISTED PRICE, WELL THEN YOU
GO FROM SAD TO INTERESTING TO HIP
YEAH, YOUR WHOLE LIFE WILL FLIP
YEAH, WHEN YOU BUY A SQUIP
RICH
I got a hook-up, this guy works at Payless Shoes at the Menlo Park Mall. It’s six
hundred.

JEREMY
Dollars?

RICH
It’s worth it. Bring the money on Monday. You’ll see.

(RICH starts to exit.)

JEREMY
Aren’t you gonna wash your hands?

RICH
Aw, man, Jeremy. You know what you need?
A SQUIP
A SQUIP
A SQUIP
NO LONGER A DRIP
WHEN YOU GOT IN YOUR GRIP
A SQUIP

(RICH exits. We follow JEREMY from the bathroom to his bedroom, later that night.)

JEREMY
IT'S FROM JAPAN
IT'S A GREY OBLONG PILL
QUANTUM NANOTECHNOLOGY CPU
THE QUANTUM COMPUTER IN THE PILL
WILL TRAVEL THROUGH MY BLOOD UNTIL
IT IMPLANTS IN MY BRAIN AND IT TELLS ME WHAT TO DO
IT HELPS ME TO BE COOL
IT HELPS ME RULE