Chapter I
"I don't patronize,
I realize
I'm losing and this is
my real life"
-Marianas Trench "All to Myself"
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I smiled, turning the door knob to my best friend's house. I was going to watch my boyfriend's band rehearse. Being Josh Ramsay's best friend and Matt Webb's girlfriend, I was sort of an honorary member of the band myself even if my singing skills were horrible and instruments had never been my biggest strength.
Josh had gotten Matt and I together. Me and Josh had been friends since we were in diapers, helping each other with everything. I was the inspiration for quite a few songs and had even helped write a couple. When Josh was addicted to heroine, I stole his entire stock and locked it in a safe. Unluckily for me, he also knew the combination, so when I was sleeping, he crept into my room and stole it back. That had been the last straw. Next night, I crept into his room, kidnapped him, and drove to the nearest rehab center. Marching him inside, with his arms pinned to his side by my own, him cursing and screaming, I wrenched open the door and pushed him at the secretarie.
"Josh Ramsay." I had said, barring Josh's way to the door "Heroine addict who's now your fucking problem. Fix him."
He didnt talk to me until he was clean. But he did get clean and was grateful to me when he got out of rehab, dedicating his first album to me, calling it "Fix Me."
Now we were 21 and just six months ago I had asked him for a favor.
"Josh?" I had said.
He turned to face me "Yeah, Lav?"
"Can I ask you a favor?"
"Of course, you got me clean"
"Josh" I reminded him "that was mostly you."
"Whatever." he decided against arguing "What favor do you want?"
I swallowed "It's about Matt..."
"Do you have a crush on him?"
I was shocked. How did he know? "Yeah."
Josh smiled "He likes you too. Actually, he was asking me the same favor you were. " he smiled "Except, about you not him."
I ran at him and hugged him, knocking him flat. "Thank you, thank you THANK YOU!"
He laughed. "Anything for my Lavender" he said stroking my long chocolate and blond locks. But I thought there was also a hint of jealousy in his voice. A hint.
Now, six months later, Matt and I were still going steady. I walked up to Josh's room. Maybe Matt would be there and we could get in some before-rehearsal snogging in. I opened the door, not bothering to knock.
Immediately, I wished I hadn't. Matt was in there. But he didn't look up to any before-rehearsal snogging. At least not with me. He had his hands up another girl's shirt, pulling it up. He was already shirtless and seemed glued at the lips to this girl. After a couple of seconds, I recognized her. Hallie Knotkins. The School Slut from high school back to haunt me. Tears sprang to my eyes, I really loved him and really thought that he loved me back. Guess I was wrong.
Josh must've heard me come in and followed my footsteps, because soon he was behind me, slipping his hand into mine and pulling me away from the painful scene. Once downstairs, I wrenched myself from his grip, and tore off down the street, tears flowing, and ran home. My best friend followed me.
Dashing into my room, I wasn't quick enough to close the door before he let himself in, sticking his foot out just as it was about to slam.
"Go away, Josh. I want to be alone." I said.
"No" he said "No way can I leave you alone at a time like this."
"well, I want you to go away."
"Listen, I know you're mad at me. I would be too, but I really didn't thi-"
"I know!" I butted in "You would never do that to me."
"That's right." Josh said, sitting down "I would never hurt you. Never."
He grasped my chin in his hands and lifted my lips toward his. Suddenly, I wanted him to. But still, I put my hand on his chest and gave a gentle push.
"No." I said "I want our kiss when and if it happens to be real, Josh."
"but" he said, bringing his lips closer again "this is real."
My own feelings alarmed me. I had never felt anything but brotherly love for this man, but here I was wanting him to kiss me. This couldn't be right.
"No." I repeated, putting a finger to his lips "It's not. You've got to trust me. You want to comfort me. That kiss wouldn't be real. It would be a pity-kiss, comfort-kiss. I don't want it to be."
"But.....but I've wanted this for so long."
"maybe you have" I replied gently "But me....no. I want to kiss you. I really do, but.......I haven't until this moment. I'm not entirely sure whether or not I really like you or if....or if I need comfort and you're just there. Trust me, once I sort this out, you'll be the first to know. I promise. As for now, please. Leave."
"I can't just leave you like this." he said again.
"Josh!" I snapped, a little harsh "Didn't I say no?!"
"No....no. Not to kiss, to be what I have always been. A friend."
He put him arm around me. I was lost for words. I tried taking deep breaths, in and out, in and out, to get control, but it was no use. The image of Matt's hands slipping up Hallie's shirt kept replaying in my head. One thing I knew for sure was that I had liked, even loved Matt Webb and he had ripped my heart out of my chest and crushed it into a billion pieces. I buried my face in Josh's chest and cried, leaving my mascara stains all over his white tee.
