I like him too much it hurts

Everything came crashing down.

I can no longer focus.
I can only think about what just happened.
I replay every second, every minute.
Every feeling, and every thought.
My anxiety ate me whole.
I can no longer speak with you,
nor think about you.
Yet all I can do is think about you.
It.
You...you made me smile.
It's been a long time since I've been happy, I'll be honest.
Like genuinely smile.
I would cry, yes.
But, I would wake up with a smile on my face.
I would be so happy, I didn't realize until recently.
I felt like an idiot, because that feeling wasn't mutual.
I knew you were going through something, yet I let myself fall even more than i already have.
I ended up getting hurt.
Then I'd say I wouldn't let myself fall even more,
when I talked to you I would forget,
and forget,
and forget.
Honestly,
I'm happy I didn't lose you just because I was being honest,
but I'm not proud.
This whole time I lost myself.
Due to this I can no longer smile genuinely,
the way I used to.
You were the reason I smiled.
Nobody seems to understand that I wasn't genuinely happy.
I don't remember what life was like before you.
It sucks because I feel like I revolved my happiness around you.
It's ironic, because I'm always saying,
"don't make someone the reason you're alive,
don't revolve your life around someone else's existence."
All that, I feel like I did.
I feel like I can't talk to you no more.
I just want to hear your voice,
I feel like I cant text you,
I can't face you.
I just want to hear your voice,
is that possible?
I'll always be here for you,
but when you're there, I'll probably never be there for myself.
Before, I was living in fear.
I hate that.
I absolutely hate living in fear,
I can't do it.
Yet, before when I was afraid I felt...
safe?
Because nothing was happening.
Everything just stayed put.
Everything floated,
because you didn't know.
You had a hunch.
But you didn't know.
I think what made me wait was the adventure, and excitement.
It was exciting, I'll be honest, I don't really know why.
But nothing's the same.
It's hard.
Now I don't know what to do.
I'm tired of pretending like everything's okay.
Nobody can completely understand.
Every situation is a little different, so nobody completely understand.
Truthfully, I don't want to get over you.
I don't know how to.
Not only that, I'm not sure I want to.
Yes, I need to live my life.
But I feel like this feeling is the type to just stick, always be at the back of your mind.
I mean I've never met anyone like you,
I mean it.
I'm still young, yes.
But nobody's the same.
Everybody's different.
It hurts knowing that it could've worked,
but the only thing was the feeling wasn't mutual.
Now,
I don't know where I stand.
I'm in the middle of no where.
I'm floating off into space,
away from everyone.