I don't even know why I'm doing this I've been feeling so happy that I thought nothing could go wrong. But as soon as my older brother that I have not seen in months came to get a ride to his foster parents house he called me a spastic and a fucking eejit. I haven't felt depressed for months No weeks but as soon as he said that I felt myself get sadder then I was yesterday and the thing is I was so distracted yesterday I didn't even realise I was sad. I know that I'm being stupid but I now think that I am actually depressed. But I don't want to admit it or believe it. And I'm too scared to go to an actual psychiatrist because I don't believe it. I keep thinking that its just me being over dramatic. And that's because one minute I'll be surrounded by friends and family and be happy but the next ill be alone and find myself thinking that I'm ugly and about how I have no purpose on earth and everybody just pretends to like me. I only think that they barely tolerate me. When I'm at home I'll be in my room locked away because I'm so tired of life. I don't even know how much times I have thought of killing myself but even then I'll be defiant that I am not depressed. I'll look at videos on YouTube and see that I actually match the description of a depressed person. But even then I laugh it off and joke to myself. Even now I don't believe it. I'm just writing down my feelings in case I do end up being depressed and killing myself that someone will read this and realise what I've felt. Not to make them feel bad. But to have them be aware that the happiest person they know could be depressed and lonely.
