Imagine this:
You wake up in the morning exhausted from the night before because you couldn't sleep. You're cold and dizzy but you get up anyway. You think of the clothes you'll wear for the day but then remember none of them fit right and you can't afford new ones. The only clothes that make you feel like you aren't a disgusting pile of cow shit are deemed inappropriate by old white women who have the power to strip away an entire days worth of your education at the snap of their fingers. So you throw on something to hide the body you can't seem to love and move on.
You walk up to the mirror and see an awkwardly shaped body with a face attached to it. A face that no matter how hard you try you can't find any resemblance of your dearly departed mother in. You straighten your clothes and move to the bathroom where you brush your teeth and wash your face. You inspect every nook and cranny of your complexion squeezing and pinching away your imperfections. You look over to the box of cosmetics, but decide not to use them. Why bother anyway?
You tie up your old sneakers and head downstairs to grab your cup of black coffee with ten 0 cal sweeteners in it. you hope your body can manage with just the caffeine because the idea of food sparks the anxiety and fear of weight gain that tortures you every damn day.
You snatch your keys and leave yelling an "I love you" to your brothers and father who don't repeat it back.
The drive to school is short. You pass the resource officer who smiles at you every morning and park before walking into the giant prison that is high school.
The second you walk in you spot the one person you want to see most every day. They hug you tight. Their body is warm and comforting, and they smell sweet like baked goods. They pull back and flash you a brilliant contagious smile, and look at you with the most beautiful kind eyes. Their calming voice asks how you are and you genuinely can answer.
Then you are interrupted by a blaring bell sentencing you to your first class where you sit surrounded by rude pompous miscreants and listen to an underpaid teacher go on and on about a subject you neither care about nor understand. Your classmates around you bitch and whine at everything the sweet woman at the board does. You get angry at their disrespect. Finally after an eternity at that wooden seated jail cell you are released to your next level of torture.
You walk into a classroom full of color and light with a teacher that is wildly progressive and open minded. Or so it seems. You are given an assignment that you are excited for. Maybe even passionate about? But every time you tell your teacher they tell you "it's unoriginal" or "it would be better if..." so you eventually give up on your ideas and go yet another thing to please someone who is not yourself. You feel drained and disappointed. Why did you think you'd found something you'd take joy in, you ask yourself.
The dragging period ends and you continue to the last class. It's a small class that you sit in the back of and work on the numerous things you need done, both acedemic and personal.
You research information about your university but are still so confused on details. You continue to school work and other things. The class period zips by and the bell sneaks up on you leaving you scattering to pack up your things so you may you leave for lunch. You walk down the cluttered hall alone, the now empty coffee cup and laptop in your hands as your twenty pound book bag wears you down.
You feel your stomach roar at you as you reach the table you sit at with the person you've been waiting hours to see. Their friends fill the table as they all eat around you and banter. You enjoy their company but they aren't your people. They aren't your friends.
You settle in close to the warmth of your admired's side and talk with them and the rest of the group. You see someone walk past. You look up and see your best friend rushing away with their love. Not stopping to say hello or even smile your way. You begin to yell out a greeting but they are gone before any sound can leave your lips. Your mouth sinks with the rest of your posture into a frown. You remember when you and them had only eachother. You remember promises and memories. Now you're lucky if you catch a smirk from them.
The last bell rings and you are set free. For now. You tell everyone goodbye and receive your last sweet genuine hug of the day. Soaking it in so you may last long enough until the next one. You walk alone again into the sunshine out to your car and drive home in the heat. You reach your home and walk in to the mess that your family leaves for you every day. First you start with dishes. Then sweep the floor rid of all the food crumbs and pet hair. Next you vacuum and start a large load of laundry. You head upstairs to work on cleaning the bathroom you share with your two brothers.
Exhausted, you take a break and head to your room. Your stomach rumbles again... you check your phone and open the app you downloaded to keep track of time. The clock reads 108 hours. 108 hours since you ate last. You reach over to grab the tiny black vape pen off it's charger and take in a puff. Then another. Then another. Then another... your head begins to spin and your body feels heavy. You slowly lower yourself to the floor where you lay swaying your bent knees breathing heavily. You stay there until you muster up the strength to get back up to resume your cleaning and attempts to make a bent in the long list of "To Do's".
Your brothers arrive home from school not bothering to speak to you. The older one goes upstairs to his room to play video games for hours before his soccer practice while the youngest leaves without permission to play at a friends house down the street. If he goes missing it's your fault. But he disappears regardless to that.
Your father gets home and bickers about the cleanliness of the house and how you do "nothing". "You're selfish."
You feel stuck. Useless. You're one best friend is hundreds of miles away and the other is hypnotised. The only one you have is your love. But he doesn't understand. He tries but he just can't.
And the one person who would know your pain. Who would help you. Who suffered the same torturous domestic existence. She's dead. And when she needed your help - when she was suffering in this white-picket-fence prison. You ignored her and took her for granted. You belittled her and made her feel small. Just as they do to you now.
It eats at you. The self hatred grows on a level that you can't control. You want to destroy yourself. The only peace you find is in the sweet taste of a meal sliding down your throat. But even then your mind tells you you don't deserve it. Eating will just make you even more disgusting and worthless. So you go to bed empty in the hopes that sleep will be your salvation. If you can put your swirling mind at ease for long enough to get any rest. Finally you are empty.
Empty of nutrition. Empty of emotion. Empty of happiness. Empty of motivation. Empty of love.
