I feel it again as I lay awake in my bed. The longing, the craving for you. No matter how long it's been I can't seem to stop wanting to be in your presence.
The birds sing outside my window as I slowly crawl out of bed. Glancing over at my clock that sits on my bedside table I read the numbers 11:25am. Shit. I've overslept again... not that I had anything important, or even worth doing today. Every day has reverted back to a cycle of wake up, go to class, binge watch literally anything on Netflix, work out, shower, sleep, repeat.
Nothing seems to make me happy anymore. I just do what I absolutely have to and then roll right back into bed.
I remember when I was happy, when I had you.. The memories start to flood my mind again as I start to picture your face. The face that I would give anything to see again.
I manage to pull my heavy body up off of the mattress and onto the cold wooden floor of my dorm. The thick sweater I wore hung off my thin frame and the thick socks I wore slid down to my ankles as I slowly made my way to the coffee machine my roommate and I bought at the beginning of the semester. I began to brew myself a hot cup of straight black coffee and poured it into the white mug you'd given me as a Christmas gift senior year of high school.
I sip my hot coffee as I stare out the window at the fiery colored mountain tops. I remembered last November when we spent the day downtown with friends walking around taking pictures. That was the day I asked you to be mine... you kissed me and pushed me up against my red VW Beetle; that was when I decided I wanted you all to myself. I close my eyes and I can almost see you standing in front of me with those dark chocolate eyes of yours.
I turn to face my elevated bed and stare at the shelf underneath it. Specifically the little brown box on the shelf. The box of all our things.
I step closer to the shelf picking up the box and setting it on my comforter. I pull myself up onto the mattress and open the lid to expose the collection of pictures and letters I kept from us.
First I grab the red Valentine's Day card you wrote me from last year. You had drawn a silver and gold heart on the cover and written me a note on the inside.
Hey there you,
Happy Valentine's Day! I was going to get you a better card or draw you something pretty on this one but I ran out of time. I guess I'm a bad boyfriend huh? I hope you like your gift, finding something to get a vegan on Valentine's Day wasn't easy, even though you were specific with what to get. Anyway I really really appreciate you, you're amazing. Oh and one other thing, will you be my valentine?
♡ Atlas
Tears welled in my eyes as I thought back to that day. I didn't want you to worry about a Valentine's Day gift for me but you got me Vegan chocolates and my favorite tea anyway. You were always so sweet, so thoughtful. You were absolutely perfect. Fuck I miss you. Shit.
I took out all the notes and drawings from you and laid them out on my bed so that now the box only held a sea of Polaroids of us from all the times we had spent together.
I picked up the one where I am smiling at the camera with you sitting next to me staring. Your cheekbones sat high on your face while that perfect jawline of yours showed off a perfect angle. Your full lips sat in a smirk while your eyes stared at me. Your thick dark hair was cut short so you could see the definition in your absolutely flawless face.
The look on your face was the look most people envy. It was that look that only a few lucky people received when they weren't paying attention. The look of utter admiration and affection. You looked so happy. We both did.
Another caught my eye as I set the first one down. It was from my senior prom; I was in my gold dress smiling at you like an absolute idiot with my long black hair in the breeze while you held me close laughing as we pretended to dance. Your suit was royal blue with a gold tie. Everyone told us we looked like beauty and the beast that night, I would laugh and say, "he's the beauty though."
