Okay so here's the thing, and I'm just gonna say it: I still love you, like a lot. And I think about you every day and I literally crave the feeling of laying with you almost every night and it sucks. I don't think I'll ever find anyone so perfect. I adore every single thing about you. the sound or your voice, your contagious perfect dimpled smile, your hair, your stupid humor and nerdy shit, your taste and style, you're amazing in bed and you're so attractive it's insane. I even love your height - even though I know I give you shit about it. And sometimes when I'm away I think, "he can't actually be that great I'm romanticising it." But every fucking time I come home and see you and it really is that great. And I love your family and friends so fucking much. And you treated me right. You never made me feel bad or upset. You only ever gave support and constructive comments to help me when I needed it. You never got mad at me and made me cry or feel like shit and I've never had that... I'm not scared of you and the trust we had was unparalleled to anything ANYONE in any kind of relationship I've had before, including my family. Like everything about you is absolutely perfect. And honestly other people have told me the way I was with you was so different than anything they'd seen before. Even Danielle told me that when we were just talking and I'd tell her about you I seemed more infatuated and happy than anytime I ever talked about anyone else. You're just... you're the best there ever could be. It was so... healthy. We were genuinely good for one another. You just make me so happy. Literally the other day when I was laying down with you after we fooled around you were holding me and all I could think was, "fuck. This is the happiest I've felt in a long time." And that's not your fault but my point is I don't know what to do about you. I tried to sleep with someone else but I just wished he was you the entire time. (I even closed my eyes and imagined it was you, but you are better so it didn't work...) I've been on dates. I've tried focusing on myself and on school but at the end of the day I always want to talk to you and see your adorable smile and complain to you, and just have your attention and give you mine. And frankly I don't understand how you feel about me and it's frustrating because I want to be with you. I don't care about having a "college experience" and fucking stupid white frat boys who can't hold conversation or fooling around with hot college girls. I don't want that. I fucking want you and sometimes I feel like maybe you want me too. And we could work. Like I really think we could do it but I get why you don't wanna try but at the same time I wish you weren't so logical and just got irrational for once and would stop thinking and just do it. Because you say you don't want to get involved with other girls, you can't sleep around because you're not the type to do that, and you say you want me. And I want you. But you're so young and it's a huge commitment which is totally valid and I respect that. But I feel like the pros outweigh the cons when you lay them all out... that's just my opinion ig. But my point is I can't do this anymore because it's hurting me but I want you too much to say no when you get flirty and shit. And I refuse to lose you regardless of any of this, so basically if I have to settle for just being your friend then I can do that, So either I'm just your friend or I'm all yours. And I want you to know I want to be yours but I'll be okay if we're just friends. I don't want you to feel like you have any obligation to me AT ALL. I'm no ones problem to take care of and I don't need you to survive. But I want you. While I'll always be here for you and I won't stop being your friend I may need space and time to get over it. But I also want you to know that no one I could ever meet will hold a candle to you. I know that for sure. But I can't be in this half and half place where I'm not sure if I should feel bad about maybe sleeping with someone else or maybe I'm the only one who feels this strongly about us and wants more. Because if I had the choice I'd chose you over some random, beer drinking, fake ass "Greek" gym-rat college boy off tinder. And even if I find someone great. They won't be perfect. No one could be more perfect. But I need to either actually start trying to move on or settle this. Because it's unhealthy, as much as I don't want to stop, and believe me I really really really don't want to stop... it's not helping... and I need to start helping myself.
