I lay in my big empty bed. Surrounded by nothing but myself and the dark. I start to think, over think. All my insecurities ambush me all at once. Heart beats faster. Where did all this come from. My thoughts swirl around me like a deadly tornado.
No one loves you. They only tolerate you out of pity. Your very existence is a burden. Your parents suffer because of how much you cost. Your friends only put up with your shit because they feel bad.
It's all an act. How could they actually care for such an ugly useless shell of a man. Are you even a man? With that awkward body and weak arms. You hardly even look presentable. You look like the before photo of a weight watchers commercial. Fucking swollen pig. You're disgusting. No one will ever find you attractive. Not for long. Eventually they will realize how worthless you are and find someone who they can actually fall for. Someone worthy.
You are so stupid. How did you even make it this far you're so dumb. You will never amount to anything. Not with those dim wits. You will just be a burden to everyone you care about forever.
You can't even do simple things right. No wonder your mom gets so angry at you. You're too simple to do even the most basic tasks.
What are you even good for huh? What CAN you do right? Nothing. Because you are human garbage. Why don't you just throw yourself off a bridge? Everyone would be better off that way.
This vile voice in my head screams at me. My body feels heavy. I can't breathe. The dim light in my room grows deeper. Tears well in my wide eyes. I can't take this. Why won't it stop. I know it's not true, none of it is true. But maybe... maybe the voice is right... maybe I am just a burden. That's why everyone leaves. Why they are too busy for me...
I need help. I have to talk to someone. To talk myself down. But who? It's late at night and they are all asleep. Even if they aren't they are probably tired. I don't want to bother anyone...
Surely I could call my best friend?
Why? Just to nuisance them with your selfish bullshit problems? Yeah that's a great idea, keep them from their sleep with your petty shit they doesn't care about. Add to the things they have to worry about. The dark voice in my head growls in discouragement.
I try to fight the voice. I type out a text on my phone. "Hey, I'm really sorry I know it's late but if your up and it's not a bother I really need someone right now..."
You manipulative shit. Using pity to get them to talk to you? You know they're tired but if they can't talk you're gonna make them feel guilty. You're so selfish. Fucking prick.
I give into the voice and delete the message...
What can I do? Alone. Crippled by my own spinning thoughts. I'm weak. I'm worthless. A burden to all. I need help.
I curl up under my covers, breathing heavily. I pray for sleep. All I want at this moment is to be sedated. My sweaty shaky palms grip the sheets as I bite my lip to fight back tears. A tense piercing feeling pinches my nose and strains my neck.
No one loves you.
You're worthless.
Stupid bitch.
Fucking ugly.
Everyone is better off without you.
I couldn't hold it in anymore. A storm of thick wet salted tears rain from my dull honey colored eyes. My fingers clench the pillow beside me as the cries rip through my throat. All I feel is pain and sorry. Sorry for my parents, sorry for my friends and sorry for myself. But I don't know why.
