Unfinished

Father

OCTOBER 4

I was on another walk. My cheeks burned and my stomach was churning at the thought of the goregeousness that is bird, that's nicholas. I wanted to cry. My heart swells when I think about him, and I can't accept myself for it. Whats wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? I looked up at a church, and opened the doors. I stared at the confession stand for a little before walking over to it, and entering, taking off my hat. "Father?" My throat hurt as I held back my tears, I choked my words out. "I did something terrible." My voice started to break.
"Tell what it is, I'm sure god will forgive you."
"Even if it was murder?" I ask curiously.
"You murdered?" He sounded surprised, his voice hushed.
"No, I was just wondering." I told him.
"Oh. Well then what is it? You are a child of god and I'm sure he might forgive you."
"Um, well...you see. I'm getting married!"
"Ok. Whats the problem?"
"I feel guilty because..." I took a few deep breaths, so much so I was might headed.
"Come on spit it out. I'm not here to judge only to listen." I took a deep breath and swallowed. My throat was so tight and painful that I stopped holding my tears back and just let them fall. My breathing increased, I took my arm sleeve and wiped my eyes and nose. "Um. I think ill just go on and...bare my problems." I sobbed.
"Its alright. Tell me." So I took yet another deep breath but the words never came out of my mouth. I must've sat there 15 minutes until I said it. "I have feelings for someone else...a man! And I'm sorry but its something about him. He's addictive, and I don't understand why. We're so different. The worst part is that we consummated. And I didn't dislike any of it. I don't know whether or not to be forgiven and no longer feel shame or accept myself and relieve myself of shame. I know this probably isn't the best place to go for that answer. I know what you will say, but please. This is all I can think to turn to. Help me father." All the things that I had been denying I finally let go. But then, "I want him more than I want my own wife for the love of god!! Sorry." That happened. I didn't even know, I didn't realize that was how badly I wanted this man. Replaying us in the white automobile or what I remember always gives me a tingly feeling, the more I play it over in my head. His hands wrapped around my neck and running through my black hair. It didn't exactly feel wrong. He has the softest hair, even softer lips. Somehow that beautiful face, I still wanted to punch for making me feel so strongly for him.
"My son, in times of sickness we pray for god and in times of sin we apologize as you are now. This is good. Distance yourself from him."
"I work in journaling and before realizing these feelings, had told my boss I would be writing an article on him, if I dont I'm fired." I rest my head in my hands. Wiping all the tears from my face I get out. "Thanks father."
"My boy, if god is beside everything will be fine, but you must repent." I gather myself take a breath and get out of the confession booth. Sitting there in a church I kept thinking about it. I couldn't stop. It had creeped into my head again. An indecent thought like so in the house of god. I sat there, and what didn't help was that when I looked up he was there. Nick I mean.
"Daniel?" He asked.
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
For once he isn't wearing a business suit. A causual shirt that exposed his muscles and they were big.
"I just thought i'd visit this place." He looked up at the celing, and the beautiful gstained glass on the walls with a smile. "I haven't been here for a long time. Since I left Winsconsin." He chuckled. I looked down and away from him. "Funny seeing you here."
"You didn't follow me?" He laughed at this and in response told me,
"Don't flatter yourself. I actually came here to be closer to god. But while we're here I should take you out somewhere, as friends since thats where I'm stuck. Being friends instead of something more. Maybe I shouldn't be talking about dating you considering lust and greed are a sin," He paused before taking a chilling breath. "which I'm sure we've both committed together." I hadn't realized how close hes gotton to me until our arms were touching. "You owe me a kiss." He said to me resting his head on his heads beginning to pray.
"I dont owe you anything." He ignored me until his prayer was over. "Hello?"
"Don't you need the rest of the story? You dont want a boring story, you'll probably be fired." I shifted my body to face away from him, crossing my arms. "Guess I was right." He then put his heavy hands on my shoulder making me tingly, shooting chills all over me.
"Stop doing that!!"
"Touching you?"
"Yes."
"I don't understand how what happened in my automobile will happen again if I can't put my hands on you." I raised my hand to slap him. "Not in church." So, I grabbed the bible and hit him in the head.
"I think it's attractive seeing you upset. I like strength." He said flexing his muscles and laughing at me so I hit him again but he just kept laughing so after hitting him multiple times I gave up and put the bible down, sitting out of breath in defeat.
"I dont believe you exercise your muscles enough if your out of breath."
"Why won't you leave me alone? Stop flirting with me like a teenage girl!"
"I'm not a girl." He told me a sudden seriousness that scared me. He transferred quick from flirty to serious, and sometimes I would ask myself: I wonder if he's a crazy murderer. I know its weird.
"I'm getting my car, then I'm going upstate to a ranch. There you can interview me if you want to get the rest of your story." He got up and walked out. Am I staring at that guys ass right now? No!! I won't let him control me, I'm a grown man of 23. I can control myself. I will not let this man pull me into his world where I can never escape him, and I'll have no control over what I feel for him, not like I do now but there's not a chance of me escaping his grip if he pulls me too far in. I won't go.