Forbidden Love

Forbidden love - 2

I was a loner at my house actually. I rarely got out of my room and when Barsha happened, I had more than just one reason to not come out of my room. But whenever I had to come out of my room she'd be there reading books, or studying, or just using her laptop, in her room. Not that I used to peep inside her room, I had to pass the guest room to use the bathroom or to go to the kitchen and she never had her door closed. Those were the only reason I got out of my room and every time I saw her, I could think of nothing but how beautiful she was. The way she read the books, or the way she smiled while she was doing some work, the way she fixed her specs while doing almost anything, I couldn't resist but fall for them. Whenever I returned back to my room, I used to get flooded with all these negative and positive feelings, which made me even more irritated.

The only time we used to see each other and share an awkward smile was at the dinner table. I used to try so many things to not let her catch me looking at her while my parents used to be only ones to talk. We never talked one on one. I never had guts to do so after all the feelings I had for her and all the failures of letting go of the feelings. How could I even talk to her? I used to dive into the pool of embarrassment whenever I even thought of starting a conversation. I was afraid that she would sense that I had these feelings for her. So, I decided I was better off not talking to her. But a part of me always wanted to talk to her. That part of me urged me to know her, everything about her. Her likes and dislikes, why she loved reading so much, what makes her smile and so on. But, I knew well that if I even tried to do this, I would not be able to control my feelings. It was already hard to control these feelings, talking to her would have made it worse. That is why even if I wanted to know her badly, I just didn't do that because that would be best for all of us.

One early morning, after I woke up, I had to use the washroom. So, I got out of my room and when I reached there, I found out that somebody was already in and I had to wait. I thought it could be mom, or dad, or Radha didi, our part-time maid. I don't know why but thought of Barsha didn't even come to my mind until the door opened and she came out, smiling. "Morning!", she said. I was there, startled, figuring out what do people say for the reply of "Morning". I was still, my eyes wide, my mind blank, and my face weird.
"What do I say? What?", my constant thought until I realized she was looking at me all surprised and wasn't gone. I was embarrassed to the extent that I wanted to slap myself for that.
"Are you okay?", she spoke again. She was looking at me curiously.
Then my brain finally started to function and I finally replied, "Oh yes! Morning! I am fine. Yes. Totally. Yes. Fit and fine. Ready to go. You?" I brain-farted so hard. I reviewed my reply and was so ashamed of it.
She started giggling. I could see her eyes light up, her brows curved up and the sound felt like music. She said pleasantly, "I'm Okay too. Fit and fine. Ready to go. But I'm sure you're ready to go somewhere for now.", pointing towards the bathroom.
"Oh yes!", I said as she gave me a reason to walk away. I took no time to turn around and got inside. I was full of all these mixed feelings. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to react. I was embarrassed, happy, ashamed, sad, afraid, angry, every possible feeling at the same time. I didn't know what I would be doing next. I didn't know what she might have thought of me. I made such a mess out of myself. That was one of the longest time I took to get out of the bathroom. While in there, I just told myself how wrong I was to feel that way. She was my sister, so I had to feel about her like a brother feels about her sister. I had a hard time convincing myself that I loved Raksha, not her. I knew I had to meet Raksha to revive the love I had for her. I had to uproot this feeling. I just had to.

When I got out of the bathroom I almost ran to my room and shut the door and lied in bed for a good long time. I could not help but think why I was even thinking this way. Was it because she was beautiful? Or was it because of destiny? I was so irritated with myself for feeling this way. Why couldn't I just let the thoughts of her be? Why did she feel so special? Was that love? I knew I had to stop thinking when the thought of love occurred in my head. I just lied there and listened to songs of Pink Floyd. Nothing else soothes me well than their songs. I don't even remember when I fell asleep.