To Not Feeling IT

PROLOG | THE ONE I SURVIVE WITH

I open my eyes slowly. My head hurts by the lack of sleep these past few days—and that is, of course, not because I was studying too hard for the exams, nor because I was working over nights.

It's simply because Ryo's is in a bad mood lately.

When he's in such condition, I would know that he wouldn't let me go. He would wreak everything on me. He would put a grumpy face the first thing in the morning, complain when I cook something he's not in the mood to eat of, and kiss me roughly when he come home—not the kind of 'I fucking miss you' rough; it's more like 'I'm fucking angry' rough—and he would then take me to bed and force me to do anything he likes all night long.

And I wouldn't know what to do but just let him do as he pleases.

We're not a lover. I'm not his girlfriend. We're just living together and eat together and make out. Sometimes. We've been doing it—no, Ryo been doing it to me out of love. It's just because he needs to. That's what he always said to prevent me from growing any feelings for him.

But I am clear enough that I don't have that kind of feeling for him just like he does.

From what I understand: we're just doing it for life. We help and complete each other because we only have each other in this world. For all these years, he couldn't live without me and I couldn't live without him. I could have not gone to any school if it wasn't for him who helped me pay for my study—Ryo is in the same age as me but he didn't continue his study after graduating Highschool, he manages his parents' old Japanese Restaurant instead—and Ryo is simply could not live without someone who can take care of him.

Eventhough Ryo is a Chef, I'm the one who cook in the house. I also wash, do grocery shopping, save his money to pay the bills, and yeah, pleasure him when he has the urge.

Ryo never say anything about this but, I know my parents had a huge debt to his parents before they died—together. Yes, the four of them had lost their lives together in a fire. That tragic accident happened in my house, exactly a few hours before they supposed to pick us up at the airport, Ryo and I had a school trip and just about to go back home that very day.

I lost everything that day. My parents, my house, my future. And Ryo was too. But actually he didn't suppose to lose his future as well, if it's not because of me. Yes, the huge debt my parents owed was worth of Ryo's life insurance his parents had been keeping all their life—which what makes me live my life to take care of him. Hopefully someday, I could somehow pay the debt.

Because we were too young to live by ourselves, Ryo took me and left his parents' house in Tokyo. We went to his widowed uncle in Aomori. Uncle Wataru is the only family Ryo had left, and he also had no child. But Uncle Wataru was too old and his life was short, we only lived with him for 3 years. He died when we're about to graduate high school—leaving Ryo with a big enough amount of money for him to run again his parents' bussiness in Tokyo.

Ryo had no other option but to go back here—take me along and reopening his old wounds just so we can live.

Our relationship is too strange. But I never feel like I want to get out of this house or anything—not that I can, Ryo would be furious if I'm outta his sight even just a bit—and it's not that I'm comfortable with this kind of life either. But... you know. Eventhough Ryo treats me badly, like I'm really his prisoner (I mean my words), but he's my only life saver. He is the one who still carries me on his back eventhough he doesn't have to.

Like I said, I wouldn't be here if it's not for him. And as time goes by I kind of get used to him.

"Rrrggghh..." Ryo murmurs in his sleep. Bad dream? He looks so pale and tired. I don't know what made his days so bad lately.

The alarm clock rings loudly. Today is his day-off, so I quickly jump to turn it off. I sigh of relief that the alarm didn't wake him up because he'll be so mad when it happens.

I was about to move and put my clothes on to make some breakfast. But suddenly something stops me.

His hand grabs me—pull me over, making my head fall onto the soft pillows. My face is just two centimeters before him now.

"Where do you think you're going?" He whispers. "Don't go... yet." It's annoying that he never bothers to say please to ask anything. "Hug me. I'm cold."

Hearing that, I don't react for a while. But then I gasp when he pull me closer so suddenly. His eyes are closing. But I can see him starting to lose patience. I can't help but sigh quietly.

But then again, I put my arm around his bare chest. Of course. I always do what he says.

"I love you," he says suddenly.

I shook. "What?"

"I love you, Madoka." He smiles in his sleep.

***

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-Aya