Falling

One

I stare down at the newly added cuts on my thighs and wrists. "Nothing really matters anymore. No one really needs me. This world is so cruel, I fake smiles and everyone believes them. Not even my family can understand this feeling I feel." I drop the pen, writing this note feels wrong, I can't do it. Maybe they'll have more closure if I just don't explain this shit to them. It's so much to take in at once anyways, your dead daughter, blood everywhere, and some confusing sloppily written note. I'm not even crying, I always thought once I was to this point I would be pouring my eyes out. All I feel is nothing and that scares me so much, I want so desperately to feel something. I'm about to take my own life for fucks sake.

I look at the bottle of pills that I had been collecting over the months and then back at the bloody razor which was now laying in the floor. "What is this? Why can't I comprehend what I'm feeling?" I mumble to myself grabbing the bottle and opening it. I pour the colorful pills into my hand and count them. "One. Two. Three... Seventy eight." I'm really about to do this, I'm about to take seventy eight pills. I wonder what happens after this, will it just be blackness? Or will there actually be an afterlife? Time to find out I guess. I'm still so unsure about this. "Skyyyy we're home" my mother shouts from the front entrance downstairs. I jump and quickly try to put the pills back into the bottle. Has it really been three hours already? Have I really been sitting here for this long being this unsure about something so simple?? I wind up dropping all of the pills on the floor due to how shaky I was from blood loss and anxiety of dying, no matter how much I wanted to die, something was preventing me from going through with it. I scramble to pick up the pills one by one, but I keep dropping them. Why am I so clumsy all of a sudden? I had totally forgotten about my parents getting home, until my mom was knocking on my bedroom door. I pull my sleeves down and quickly put on sweatpants while kicking pills and the bloody razor underneath my bed. "I'm coming mom just hold-" she opens my door anyways "What took you so long to answer me Skylar?" she crosses her arms while standing in my doorway looking me up and down clearly noticing how disheveled I am. "I uh had headphones in I didn't even hear you come inside." I untuck my shirt from my pants, I had apparently put them on over it. She looks at my floor and stares for a minute and then back at me. "Have you been bleeding?? Are you ok?" I quickly turn and look to see where I had let the blood drip to the floor earlier, it didn't matter at the time, I was supposed to be dead by now. "Yeah I had another nose bleed earlier but I'm fine now don't worry mom. I'm about to take a shower ok?" I walk to my door and start to close it "That's a lot for a nose bleed, are you sure-" before she can finish I closed the door and locked it.

The next day I wake to my alarm beeping at 6:00AM, I'm supposed to go to school today but I don't even want to get out of bed. I don't want to see their faces again, and especially not his.