The Swailing

Optima: Alone

I head straight to Logan's house. He wasn't at school today and I didn't get to tell him about my discovery. Logan is always calm and rational and scarily smart. He will help me think all this through and help me find my mom and brother.

When he opens the door, I fall into his arms and hug him tight, craving some kind of comfort and warmth, even though hugging him is kind of like hugging a reluctant tree.

"Whoa. What's going on?"

I can feel him look over his shoulder cautiously to make sure no one has seen us, and then he gently forces me out onto the front steps and closes the door behind him.

I feel a tightness in my throat like I might cry. And I don't cry very often. In fact, I'm pretty sure Logan has never seen me cry before. I hesitate, knowing that talking will bring it all out.

"We have to be careful at my house, Ember. My parents are strict about this stuff."

The threatening tears disappear almost instantly. "About hugging? I can't even hug you?"

"Well..."

I drop my arms from around him and take a step back. "Geeze, Logan. It's a hug. I'm not rubbing an infected open wound on you. It's a fully clothed HUG."

At the mention of clothing, or lack of it, he steers me away from the door, still acting furtive and embarrassed.

"Can we just talk somewhere? Privately?" I ask him.

Logan looks unsure.

"Oh please. I'm not going to molest you. I just need to talk."

Logan nods and takes my elbow in the oh-so-romantic way he always does. "Let's go for a walk."

I take a deep breath and try to calm myself. I'm not really mad at him, I remind myself. I'm mad at my dad. I inhale and exhale slowly and when I finally feel in control enough to speak, I tell him what I found out last night: how I have a brother and that both my brother and my mother might be alive and living in another sovereign.

"My dad doesn't want to look for them," I say. "He says it's been too long."

Logan is quiet, probably afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. I can't blame him, really, with how moody I've been lately.

"I think it's because he's moved on. But I can't until I know for sure." My voice softens slightly. "Will you come with me to look for them?"

"You want to go LOOK for them? Physically, like, GO?"

"Yeah. It'll be an adventure! We can travel across the old U S of A." Though it hasn't been the United States in a couple of generations, there is no other term for the space where America used to be.

"You're going to leave Optima? Just go ... search for them?"

I know I am fighting a losing battle, but again, I never give up easily.

"Come on, Logan." I nudge him playfully with my shoulder. "It'll be fun."

He hesitates for a moment and I think maybe I have him, like when he agreed to take a drink with me the other night. But when he speaks, I realize he was just thinking of a way to let me down easy.

When I finally get home, feeling lonely and rejected, my dad is already there. He must have left work early – something he hasn't done in a long time. I now wonder if his long hours have more to do with Meadow than any actual workload.