The Swailing

ECCO: Exhale

Once we are back on the road, Finn tells me that ME is just an abbreviation for a place called Maine. He says that Maine used to be a part of ECCO but they incorporated their own sovereign a few years ago, while he was in high school. Because of its close ties with ECCO, they don't have very strict border rules. He says that even though it's not far from where he grew up, he's never spent much time there.

The temperature has fallen again and Finn cranks up the heat in the car, but I don't think I can blame the heater for the constant blush in my face. Even with the distraction of having this new information about my mom, I'm still having trouble making eye contact with Finn. These recurring thoughts about his mouth on mine are terribly confusing.

I vow that I will let it go, that I, too, will act like nothing happened, but that lasts about five minutes into the car ride. Every time I glance over at his profile, or get a hint of his soapy scent, or our forearms brush against each other on the armrest, an electric current runs beneath my skin.

So despite my resolve I blurt out, "Did I kiss you?" before we're even out of New York.

"Hmmm?" Finn doesn't even look at me. It's almost like he has been expecting this question.

"Last night. Did we ... kiss?"

Now Finn looks over and smiles a little. My cheeks are on fire.

"Why? Do you remember kissing?"

"I don't ..." I sigh and start again. "Kind of. But I wasn't sure if it was real."

"That'll happen after three martinis."

I groan, frustrated. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. You warned me, I know."

"I did warn you. But you're a stubborn one, Ember."

I roll my eyes.

"Like a dog with a bone."

I groan. "You sound like my dad."

"Well, you are."

"Come on, will you just tell me?"

"But it's so much more fun with you not knowing."

"For you, maybe."

He nods. "Definitely for me."

I punch him in the arm.

"Ouch! Okay, okay." He rubs his arm. "Yes. There was some kissing."

I knew it! I let this sink in for a moment. We kissed. And I barely remember it. It's like a memory of something from my childhood – fuzzy and vague, like it could have been a book I read and not something that actually happened.

"Was it horrible? Was I ... bad at it or something?"

"Bad at it?"

I sigh. He's really making me work for this. "Yeah. Was I a bad kisser?"

"No," Finn smiles a little and shakes his head. "Definitely not."

This makes me feel a little better.

"Then why..." I start, but I'm not sure how to finish. Why did we stop? Why haven't we kissed again? Why can't I remember?

Finn glances over at me again. "Because you were drunk."

I nod, though I'm not exactly sure what he's saying. I don't remember because I was drunk? We stopped kissing because I was drunk? I'm thinking I probably didn't want to stop, drunk or not. So it must have been him who stopped.

He must sense my confusion because he explains. "I didn't know if it was the alcohol or actually you."

I realize how much of a better person he is than me. Back in Optima, I tried to get Logan to drink so he'd loosen up. I didn't care if it wasn't 'him' – I just wanted him to be more fun, more like me. But here Finn wouldn't take advantage of me because I wasn't myself.