Poetry and Transitions (Wattys 2018)

Not a poem

I went shopping with my mom and my sister a while ago. We were looking for new underwear, and of course we were all in the woman's section. I was practically drowning in thongs. If I encountered a Bogart I believe it would appear as a rack of woman's underwear and bras. Now I don't identify with any gender, but I prefer the male look and pronouns. I had realized I sorta hate my regular underwear. I was working up the nerve to ask my mom to buy me boxers. My mom is the best mom in the world. She is the most accepting person I know. I'm so lucky for this and I know that unlike many parents she will always accept me. So why was I so scared to ask her about this? Why is it so terrifying to talk to her about all this stuff? She loves me no matter what. But I was still panicking. She said she'd buy me them and that I could go find them for myself. I was going to but I was scared to go alone so I turned back. My palms were sweaty and I couldn't really breathe.
My mom was frustrated that I was making such a big deal of it but what she didn't and still doesn't realize is that this is a big deal. I can't just do it. It's scary and menacing. It's like this sword hanging over my head getting ready to fall. People are mean and closed minded and horrible. Nothing went wrong and I got some nice boxers out of it but it was so hard to do. Being trans isn't easy for me,and I'm positive there are people who feel the same fear.