A Christians story

Story

When I was four my sister( let's call her St) told me about God and how I would go to a horrible place if I didn't ask him into my life. So I did.

I had to so called friends who I hung around with. One day I was following them around church and the young one ask me to leave them alone so they could talk. Hurt I left.

I kinda knew they didn't want me around but it never really clicked In my mind.

I went to camp with them and one year they ask to be in a cabin together, I was stuck with girls I didn't know who ignored me. I was about 10. I cried myself to sleep every night that week of camp, I wanted to go home but I was to shy to ask.

I then decided that I was done with camps. But my brothers had been going to a different camp. A horse camp, they convinced me to try it out. So I saved up my money and went.

Best week of my life, I thought. Everyone welcome me and excepted me and it was just so much fun. One night we were talking about God sacrifice and I went off and asked him into my life, for real this time.

The next year I went back. There was a group of girls who went to that camp together, I thought oh no not this again. But no they welcomed me into their group and I was one of them!

But then it happened I found out that as a girl I have weird hormones and sexual desires. I found pleasure in having fake sex with me pillow.

I keep going to camp and keep up this act that I was a Christian. But all the while things got worse with the girls who I thought were my friends.
They pushed me away and I was hurt. When I was 14&1/2 I went into depression, I lost sight of God.
I suffer for 2 years in that miserable pit of dispare all the while keeping up an act that I was happy and life was great. When I was 16 I went to the same camp on a 12 day pack trip to the middle of nowhere. I felt loved by everyone their and even ended up telling one girl about my problems, she had problems to we cried for probably 2 hours together. I was able to take some of the walks I put up down.

I started feeling God calling me to come back to him.  It wasn't tell 2017 around Christmas time I started realizing what I had been doing.

Then one night in January 2018 I was crying on my bed because I felt so lonely and I hated the girls who hurt me.  I cry to God and said why did you let them hurt me? Why did you let them put me on the back burner?

He said... I let them hurt you so you could see you hurt me.  I let them put you on the back burner so you could see that you did the same to me.

I broke down in tears and just asking God to forgive me . I imitatly felt the burden I was carrying be lifted. I felt like someone cut the chains that held me down. I probably cried for 2 hours just talking to God. Also my depression just left!

Then it happened again I fell away I forgot God but one day I was using my pillow again to please myself and I pulled it away and cried why! I then took a walk and screamed to God to help me. He did. I did this probably 3-5 time before I finally said...
I can't keep using Gods grace and just expect to be forgiven.
  I change I ordered a purity ring in the mail and started spending time in my bible.

I then signed up for leaders in training (lit) for the camp I went to.

That weekend changed my life. I learnt so much more about God and just felt his presence. I started talking with a boy that I did camp with like 4 years before. He told me he had been struggling with falling away from God and then coming back. But our conversations ended there when the leaders called us to come. He said we will continue this conversation. Later I felt bad cause I walked away when I should have stayed to talk to him.
After that weekend I did everything I could to try and find a way to contact him to apologize for walking away. I hunted fb instagram, twitter and everything I could think of. But no luck. And I steadily felt worse about walking away. I them made up my mind to pray about it and ask for peace. I then realized that I'll see him at the rodeo which was in a few weeks when we all got together again and led teams of kids. I promise myself I would hunt him down and apologize as soon as I got there.

It was so encouraging for me to see someone else struggling with simaler things. I prayed for him every night!

And now the girls who hurt me I kinda left their friend group and became a loner but I'm not alone I have God!

And that brings us to today. I'm still waiting to talk to him but I have peace about it. I still feel bad but I know I will make my wrong right!

God bless please pray for me!❤️