The Passing

Chapter Five [updated]

Trees go by in a blur. Rain heavily pours down over our sheltered heads, covering the window in a sheet of dancing water. The sun is hidden, more than likely for the rest of the day. Dark leaden clouds hang low and there is an occasional flash of light followed by rumble. I'm not sure how fast Savanna is going, but it's fast enough to make my stomach lurch over every bump in the road. With the wipers on full speed, and so much rain we can hardly make out the road in front of us, those bumps are frequent. There's no denying it now— something is up. With my head back against the headrest, I tilt my chin in her direction, examining her through tufts of dark brown hair that fall in my face. She's clearly looking for something, and whatever it is she's desperate for.

"What were you looking for?" I ask, breaking the silence as my leg subconsciously starts to bounce. Her grip on the steering wheel tightens, and her shoulders tense ever so slightly.

"I don't know what you're talking about." her eyes are glued forward.

Shifting my weight, I sit up to see her. "Back at the store, I know you were looking for something."

"Yeah, just— stuff." she shrugs, taking one hand off the wheel to bite at her thumb. "Just couldn't find anything."

"Right." I sit back, relenting, and I look back out the window. There isn't a shred of energy left for me to try to pry anything out of her. This has been my first experience away from camp— a camp that now no longer exists. I've never encountered live people, not anyone who would have ever tried to hurt me. I knew how dangerous it was to leave, James made sure I did. That's why all I ever got to do was clean weapons, take inventory and watch the littles for an hour everyday for Lisa.

But I didn't expect this. What would have happened if we stayed? What would have happened if she couldn't pull that trigger, and make us a way out? Sitting here, replaying what just happened, the strange men and their nightmarish grins, Savanna raising her revolver at live people. People who were still human. It is nauseating. I didn't even try to stop her, and I wasn't going to. But a big part of me wishes I had the guts to do what she did. A guilty pang in my chest like hunger makes my insides turn sour. Why couldn't I just do it?

"Can I ask you something?" I ask softly. The pitter patter of rain hitting the metal roof lingers for a moment before she responds. I feel her eyes dust over me momentarily before she readjusts in her seat.

"Yeah, of course." she responds softly.

I tug at the skin of my knuckle. "How do you do it?" I am reluctant to continue, "I have no idea what could've happened if..." my voice trails off as the thoughts hit me like a tidal wave.

"That's just it." she says shortly. "What would've happened, is we would've lost our freedom. In some way, in some form, we would have lost. We wouldn't be walking away. We would never see Sam, or James or anyone we've ever loved ever again. We do these things so we can make it home. Remember that."

Sitting back in my seat, her words play over and over in my head. I don't even know where home is anymore. Let alone whether I can make it long enough to find a new one. She says these things as if she believes we are going to find Sam and James. I'm not even sure I want to hang on to that hope. What is the point? If people have to keep saving me, what is the point of moving forward at all? I don't want to set people back. I want to be able to make the decisions that Savanna had to make. I want to be the reason people are still alive.

The van starts to slow, but I pay it no mind until we slam to a stop. My arms fly out in front of me in a desperate attempt to catch myself, but fail. My forehead slams against the dash before I am thrown back in my seat. Wide eyes race to Savanna.