How Do I Love?

Chapter 4: I Miss Her Too

My heavy eyes resisted the bright light, shining into the room. I can barely open my lids. I lift myself off the bed and realize a pain in my hand. What? As I look at my raw pink palm, I remember the blur that was yesterday. What happened?

Silas happened.

Oh my god. Was all of that real? Did last night really happen? What's going on? My head is pounding and I don't even have room to think of anything but taking an ibuprofen. I walk over to the bathroom and open the medicine cabinet, grabbing an ugly yellow bottle.

800 MG IBUPROFEN - GEMMA RICHARDS

The pills rattle as I open the lid. A white powder falls onto my hand before a sizable pill follows. I was prescribed the medicine after my mom passed away. I'd spend days in my bedroom doing nothing but sleeping and crying. They were given to me when I told the doctor about my constant headaches. Thankfully, they've become less frequent. I think it had something to do with how much I cried at the time. I'm not sure. But the ibuprofen always helps the pain go away. I pop the capsule in my mouth, and down it with some water from the sink. I should probably eat something.

I make my way to the kitchen with no rush. The the stairs feel like an eternity of stepping down. I notice the house feels eerily quiet. There's no one down here. Dad's probably at work. I know he had a big meeting with some contractors today. He usually has Saturday's off, but I guess it was an important project. I'm not sure. I think it's just because he wants to find an excuse not to be here on weekend mornings. He use to cook breakfast for the family every Saturday morning, but the traditional fell out after mom. Now he just avoids the kitchen in general. We ate a lot of microwave foods for months after the accident. Junior and I had to learn how to cook for ourselves. Though Joe was always there to help us out.

The marble floor feels like ice while I'm looking for a pan. Ugh. Junior never puts things back where they belong. I find the copper pan shoved in the back of some cabinet, place it on the stove, and walk over to the fridge. As soon as I open it, I'm invited by colorful veggies. Junior went grocery shopping a few days ago, so the fridge was packed. I grab some eggs, a few bell peppers, and start cooking away. It feels lonely in the house and I don't want to think. I refuse to think of him. I grab our kitchen iPod. How about some Nina?

I love Nina Simone. She's been my idol ever since mom, Aunt Winnie and I drove to Seattle with nothing but a Silk and Soul CD. It was a great trip and I smile at the memory. Soon the kitchen is filled with a soothing melody and I invite myself to sing along.

"Like a flower

Waiting to bloom..."

I feel nothing but comfort as I dance around the kitchen with my bowl of eggs and bell peppers.

I miss you momma.

My mind is nothing but bliss in the moment. No recollections of what happened last night. The sizzle of the eggs against the pan is sweet. I scramble them up a few times as the next song starts. I smile a little when I hear the drums introduce a dulcet piano. Tell It Like It Is. I hug myself a bit and loose myself in dance. When I spin around I see a tearful man standing at the doorway. Oh dad. I dance over to him and take his rough hand. He puts an arm around me and holds me tight while we dance. His chest is so comforting. He's a muscular, broad and strong man, but he's broken.

"Tell me like it is..."

Nina's voice fills the room and we stand, swaying in harmony. I feel his pain sinking through his shirt and into my body. My heart hurts a little more with a smell of his shirt. We use to dance like this around the house. There was nothing but laughter as I stood on his shoes. The feel of his cold, metal belt buckle on my cheek, never bothered me because I was so content in his arms. All I can think of now, is the wholesome laughter behind the memory. Mom and Junior would sit on the couch watching us, cracking up. I miss you momma. The song winds into it's last notes and I look up to find my dad's face. He painfully opens his dark eyes and a tear escapes the pool glassed over his pupils. I grab him and pull into a strong embrace. I hadn't noticed I was crying too, until I felt his wet shirt on my face. Neither of us said a word. He slowly let me go and met my gaze.

"You remind me so much of your mother. I love you Gem," he said as he caressed my hair.

"I know dad. It's okay. I miss her too," I stood crying in front of him.

Another, more lively, song had started in the background and I remembered about my food. "Oh, my eggs!"

Dad chuckled between sniffles and went to sit down at the breakfast nook. I removed the slightly browned eggs from the hot stove and climbed onto the next counter over to grab a couple of plates. My dad yelped a, "be careful," before I caught myself from falling off the counter. My subconscious shakes her head at me disappointingly, reminding me that I am a klutz.  I roll my eyes at her and hop off the counter with my two plates. I separate the eggs evenly, grab forks, and travel over to the seat next to my dad. He glances at me through the side of his eye, and we eat. The eggs are really good and I pat myself on the back. I lick the flavor off my lips and suddenly I'm reminded of last night. My fingers find their way to my mouth and I smile shyly. Silas. I kissed Silas. And as weird as it is to admit it, it was a good kiss.

"What is it?" My dad beamed at me.

"Huh?" I'm snapped out of thought. I feel my face flush a crimson color. Oh no. The grin on my dad's face got much more mischievous. I know he's not gonna let this go.

"You're blushing! Tell me who it is," he curiously teases.

My dad was never the overbearing type. Him and my mom always said they never wanted us to feel like we needed to keep something from them. It's always been easy to talk to my dad about things. But boys? That's a whole different territory that we've never had to deal with. Mostly because my love life was non-existent until a few hours ago. What do I say?

"No one really," I stutter. "It's no one. I just..." my voice dims down and I can help but chortle a bit.

"My goodness," he laughs. "I never thought I'd see the day my little girl would be blushing over a guy. You haven't liked anyone since Ody in second grade!" I give him a surprised look. I can't believe he even remembers that still. "Clearly it isn't no one. Who is it Gem?"

"It's no big deal. I don't even know if I like him, really. It's just someone from school," I say blandly. Should I tell him it's Silas? I know my dad likes Silas' parents, we've been neighbors for years now. But we've never spoken about Silas in particular. Besides, of course, when he started being mean to me back in middle school.

"Well if you say so," he raises his eyebrows. "I'm just glad you're looking so happy. You deserve something that makes you feel alive." His face shows nothing but empathy and I can't help but return the expression. He turns back to his eggs and takes a big bite, finishing the rest of his food. "I'm gonna wash these," he says as he takes my empty plate. "And you are gonna go and get ready. Lili called me earlier and said she was gonna come by and take you out for a fun day. She said you looked a bit sad last night after the game," he looked at me and I smiled. "Though I see that isn't the case anymore," winking, he turns for the sink. Did he just wink at me? I let out a big laugh before walking over to the doorway. I can't believe he's goading.

I stop before leaving. I have a compelling sense to turn around and say something.

"You know, dad," I watch as he turns to me with a genuine smile. "You deserve something that makes you feel alive too." He looks to the counter, and then back to me, presenting a sorrow-filled smile. I make my way to the stairs, hearing nothing but a sweet melody, and running water in the distance.

---Author's Note---

I know there aren't many of you reading this, but I hope you few are liking it so far! This is my favorite chapter yet. I wrote it because I feel like it adds a certain vulnerability to, not only Gemma's grief, but her father's as well. Anyway, I hope you like what you're reading. If you do, please vote or comment!

Love,

Paloma <3