More Than Paralyzed { Ricky "Horror" Olson }

I miss the me that I have not met

•Salem 2021•

My intentions were never to disappear from Ricky, he was and still is the love of my life. And not a day goes by that I don't miss him and wish I knew how to correctly handle situations like the one I'm in, but I know that we can't be together, I don't want to put him through that pain.
Lucian looks up at me and just smiles a sad smile, he's seven now, and he's finally starting to understand what all these hospital visits are for, and I can't protect him from the pain either and it's killing me faster than this damn cancer. After years of being free my childhood tormentor came back and there's no beating it this time.
We were never truly missing just a little lost, cancer in the brain can do that to you. We've found our way home.

I stand at my front door trying to figure out which key is the house key, and I get a moment of clarity and put the correct key in the lock and unlock the  door letting Lucian inside and my phone on the table by the door still plugged into the charger I have no lights, no food, no phone. Obviously I couldn't remember to pay bills for buy food though I have the money, while I'm thinking clearly I find my back up prepaid phone in my purse and pay everything and order takeout and pay for it through the app on my phone so I don't forget. My lights turn on and my phone rings  but not my prepaid one my iPhone from before and as I answer it and say hello I completely loose my train of thought.
"Who is this?" I ask
Nothing
"Hello?" I check my phone, Mr.Horror💜.
"S-Salem," a shaky voice stutters, "you're okay? Where have you been? How's Lucian?"
So many questions, I look down at Lucian,  as he sits on the couch reading a book.
"Who is this?" I ask again.
"It's Ricky," they answer, "we dated years ago, you were my best friend for years. Do you not remember me?"
"I mean no offense, but I don't remember much of anything these days," sarcasm practically dripping from every word.
"Where are you?" He asks.
"I'm home, Scranton" I say, "but why does that matter?"
"You're home?"their voice becomes almost excited, "You're in Scranton? Are you at your house or your parents? I don't mean to be so... I just- I need to see you"
"My house? Lucian's getting ready to go to my parents house, I'm going out soon for the night" I say checking the time 7:30 pm.
"Where are you going?" He asks.
"The motionless in white concert?" I answer, as someone knocks on the front door, I pull it open for my parents, "look I have to go, but it was good talking to you, maybe we can catch up tomorrow"
"Salem..." there's a pause, "I would love that"
"Okay, well, goodnight Mr. Horror" I say before hanging up. I turn and look at my mom, she looks at me with sad eyes.
"Ready to go sweetie?" Mom asks I nod, and we leave my dad staying with Lucian for the night, as they usually do, knowing that these moments of clarity are far and few between. My parents found us after I wrecked my car a few years ago and now they've been with us as we've been to countless hospitals, doctors, oncologists trying to prolong the inevitable, and now that I've been given only months to live, all they can do is make me "comfortable" whatever that means, painkillers for the awful headaches, anti nausea medicine for the unending side effects of the chemotherapy, or maybe the tumor, the cancer that has spread to my brain causing all the confusion. I follow my mom to the car and we're on our way to fulfill one of the things on my bucket list.

We get to the venue and wait in lineup get inside. The air is cold and hard to breathe.  As I look around I feel myself start to slip away, my moment of clarity leaving; my mom holds my hand pulls me closer to her.

•Ricky•

I sit on the couch in the green room my face in my hands, suddenly drained of all energy.  After all these fucking years of calling and it going straight to voicemail she answered, she fucking answered and didn't know it was me, like she's really forgotten about me. I know she'd move on and get on with her life, and after all these years I didn't think that it would fucking hurt this much. We haven't been together or seen each other since 2016, why does it hurt like this.
"Ricky, hey man it's almost time." Chris says.
"She's here," I whisper.
"Who?" He asks as I look up from my hands.
"Salem" I whisper again, trying to will myself to muster some energy to get up from the couch.
"How do you know that?" He ask moving to sit next to me.
"I talked to her" I say
"Rick, she hasn't answered her phone in years, nobody has seen her in years, do you really think she's-" I cut him off.
"She didn't remember me, or she acted like she didn't remember me, but she's here" I stand, "I need to find her"
"Ricky it's been almost five years, you've moved on, so has she" Chris says.
"Then why would she be here?" I ask.
"Because motionless is her favorite band" he says, "remember that's how you met".
I sigh, "You're right let's get this over with"
I walk out of the green room and try to get into a different head space, and try to get excited about the fact that we're actually able to play live shows again, and not think about how five years ago today, I met my best friend, my soul mate at the time, and the coolest little kid ever.
Somehow I'm able to do just that and follow my band mates out on to the stage and try not to look at crowd, even though the lights haven't come on yet,  I can barely hear a few conversations going on in front of me, just like the night I met Salem.

"Can you believe that he's still stuck on that girl from five years ago?"a women says, I imagine she rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, like, hello she's probably moved on, and did you hear for the first couple of years he still hung out with her and her kid even though he had a new girlfriend!" Another says.
"He's really not the guy we thought he was, why would you torture someone you love like that, I'm sure she felt like a third wheel" the first says.
"Do you know them personally?" A voice that stops me in my very tracks  asks, the women stutter, "I didn't think so why don't you just, watch the band and not worry about their personal lives? Some of us are real just trying to enjoy the show and we can't do that when everyone is more concerned with the drama that you've created."
Salem.
Have you ever missed someone so much that hearing their voice in person makes you sick? No? Well then you won't understand the overwhelming urge I felt to jump from the stage and just hold her in my arms again, or vomit again. I'm not sure what I really want to do. A hand grabs my arm freeing me from my thoughts and I look around the lights are on and Chris looks concerned but continues talking about how happy we all are to be back, and then I see her, Salem, in the exact same spot as the night we met. The only thought that crosses my mind as we play the first song my body moving strictly from muscle memory, is we have to play it, the song I gave her, of course it's been rewritten so many times, but I hope she remembers the important parts.

During a break in the set while Chris is getting a drink, I walk over to him.
"She's here" I whisper, "I saw her, Another life, is on the set list right?"
Chris just nods through a mouthful of water.
"Good" I smile and return to my spot in front of Salem where I haven't strayed too far from the entire show. She has to remember this.