The Small Story

Story ONE- 'Internal Silent Struggle'

Soft, irritating sounds of pencils scratching harshly against hundreds of papers. The metaphorical, yet oh so real, dark blanket blinding my mind yet not my eyes. The feeling of my brain being shook violently at a thunderous pace, followed instantaneously by the overwhelming dizziness that almost hurt my stomach. The strong wall disregarding my advances of trying to understand... It wouldn't let me pass. I can't do it.

My eyes. My eyes... I could feel them gathering salty forbidden and fresh un-judged tears.

'This isn't allowed... You aren't allowed to cry because of something as EASY and SIMPLE as this! Why don't you get it?! Why don't I get it?!'

I stare down at my own paper, immense shining eyes stuck onto the numbers. I could literally feel the panic flood my whole body- my heart urgently beating against my chest; trying to escape this torture my stupid mind was putting it through. I couldn't stop shaking. Not knowing what to do made me panic, but no one cares. Neither do I, I don't think.

'Please let me understand... Why can't you let me past?'

'YOU DON'T DESERVE TO KNOW. YOU ARE STUPID. YOU ARE UNWORTHY. YOU ARE BEHIND. YOU DO NOT MATTER. YOU...'

I can't stop shaking. Why is no one looking? Everything is so loud! How is no one looking?! Should I ask for help? Maybe they could help me get past the-

'NO. DON'T. EVERYONE WOULD SEE THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, WHEREAS THEY ALL DO... WHY DON'T YOU?'

I look up and around the humid room, everyone has their head down. My lost eyes landing jaggedly on anyone's head. They were all okay, they all knew how to answer the questions. They didn't have the wall to stop them.

I could feel the trickle of a sweat bead slide graciously yet unsteadily down my hot forehead. I wipe at it shakily with my white shirt sleeve.

'What are they thinking?'

I look back down at my blank, wasted, poor dead tree with black, meaningless scribbles printed onto it. What does it say? I know WHAT it says but... What is it ASKING? Can I ever know?

After staring at the paper for a few minuets, I start to feel myself calm down a little; like coming down from a high- just exactly the opposite. My eyes were still watering but I was feeling a little better. The after-anxiety was making me numb... No, cold? Hotter? I don't know. I never know. But whatever it was, I felt better than before.

'Okay... I'll never understand this, why bother wasting energy over it? What's the point if I'll never be allowed to know? If I don't try then I won't fail! You can breathe now, V. Please try and breath, V.'

'DONT TRY, V. STOP TRYING, V. SHUT UP, V. STOP IT V.'

I close my exhausted eyes, let my desperate tears fall, try to steady my small trembling breath and lie my head on the terrifying paper with the terrifying symbols.

'...Okay.'