incredibly alive • lgbtq+

•7•

"thank you!" allison smiles as the woman at the front desk at the hotel passes her the key to our room. we booked a room for two nights so that we would have a chance to calm down and figure out our plan for the near future. 

my stomach twists every time i think about home, partly because i feel guilty for leaving and partly because i never want to go home again. my parents have been texting me throughout the day but i haven't had the guts to even read them yet; i just want to enjoy my time with allison. 

we head up to our room, my heart is beating as she unlocks the door and reveals a surprisingly beautiful hotel room with a tv, a huge bed, and a balcony with a breathtaking view. "wow," she breathes, placing the key on the coffee table under the tv as she walks straight to the door to the bathroom. 

i walk over to the window, dropping my bags at the foot of the bed before opening the the door to the balcony. i breathe in and out deeply as the cool air swirls around my body. i close my eyes for a second, appreciating the familiar feeling for what it is, before opening them again and taking in the view of the city. 

"carmen!" allison squeals, calling me from the bathroom. i turn quickly and head to the bathroom, finding her grinning ear to ear. "what?" i giggle, holding out my hands as i reach her. she grabs them in hers, pulling me forwards as she moves backwards into the bathroom. 

"look how huge this bathtub is." she says dramatically, and i laugh, grinning as i look at her for a few seconds. "look at it!" she persists, pointing to it now. my eyes follow her pointed finger to, admittedly, a particularly large tub. "it is quite big, yeah." i chuckle, looking back up to her.

she seems bubbly and youthful in this moment, not quite unlike how she usually seemed, but perhaps she seems somewhat innocent now. grown up, boring mature people wouldn't get excited over a bathtub in a hotel room. people who have soul crushing dissociation wouldn't usually either - but here i am, feeling excitement begin to swirl in my stomach and through my veins over a huge bathtub in this hotel.

"it's so big!" she says and i laugh, "we could both fit in there with spare room!" i join in giggling and feeling the buzz of excitement. just as i start squirming my body in excitement like she was, she stops. 

i blink a few times at her, slowing my movements to a complete stop. "what?" i ask in a quiet voice. i feel every molecule of excitement in my body shift into nervousness, and i begin to twiddle with my thumbs as i avert my eyes from allison to the floor. 

"we could both fit in there." she repeats and a soft yet somewhat suggestive tone. "oh, i..." i say awkwardly. i didn't mean it in that way at all, but am i totally against the idea? definitely not. "no pressure." she giggles, clearly noticing my sudden change in how i'm carrying myself. "okay," i breathe out, the smile returning to my face.

she walks past me after a few seconds, and i turn to watch as she walks up to the window and looks out to the view. "this is beautiful." she states after a few seconds. "agreed, i can't believe we got so lucky with this hotel." i say, walking over and sitting on the edge of the bed closest to the window. "right? it looked kind of sleazy from the outside." she says, turning around. i watch as she walks over to me, standing in front of me for a second before moving to sit down next to me. 

"so. what is your most intense, prominent thought ever?" she asks. it takes me a few seconds to even register the question, and i blink a few times as i shake my head a bit, moving backwards to be able to look at her properly before letting out a soft "huh?"

"you know, like something that you always think of when you're left to think alone for a while." she pushes. i lick my lips, thinking hard about my answer.