I wake up by the sound of them fighting again, they’ve never stopped actually and I thought that vacation would make things better or at least to make them shut up so I can sleep better.
I can’t take it anymore, all I want is to find inner peace or that pain would kill me soon. I remember my friend that I kept hidden in my phone cover ‘cause it’s the only thing I take whenever I am and when I need my ‘friend’ I will find it. I know that I promised myself before I will stop but I can’t it’s the only thing that stops the pain. As I take my friend I start to make small cuts but It do nothing so I make more and more, deep one that all it takes to feel okay and alive again.
My phone rings and it’s Oscar, I guess I need to talk to him, I wipe my tears and try to calm down before I answer.
“Hey Gus” I say in the most calm way
“what’s wrong?”
“what?” does he know?
“What’s wrong? Were you crying?” I can see the worry in his voice and eyes even without being with him
“No. Yes, can you come over?” I start to cry again
“I’ll be here in 5 minutes.”
I hang up and clean the mess I made minutes ago, luckily my nightwear is long sleeved shirt and boys short so the cuts will be hidden perfectly he won’t see it or my parents.
I get out of my room to my parent’s , they have to stop before he comes or I’ll leave their stupid house.
“Can you stop it ! my friend is coming and I don’t him to see your perfect fight as usual “ I shout as my mom’s eyes gets wide
“Him? Is he your boyfriend?” she says as they weren’t fighting or anything
“No” I say and leave their room to go back to mine and look from the window, waiting for him to come.
Minutes and I see his car, I run downstairs before anyone can open the door for him I’m not ready for another ‘hey are you Alana’s boyfriend? I’m her mother.’ Just like she did the last time Ashton came to visit me.
“Are you okay?” he ask as I open the door
“Come in, let’s go to my room”
He tries to speak but I shut him up till we go up, I open the door room and he sits on my bed and I close the door behind us in case someone wanted to come.
“Now tell me what’s going on”
“Nothing”
“Liar liar burn in fire”
“ok, my parents were fighting.”
“why?”
“I don’t know, it’s a habit. They always fight since I was a little girl.”
“what is that blood?.” His eyes is the sleeve of my shirt
I say nothing as a respond
“What is that blood, Alana? For god’s sake don’t say you’re hurting yourself.”
“I am”
“since when? Can I see it?”
“it’s the fifth year”
His eyes gets watery and grab my arm to see the cuts I’ve made today and everyday for five years.
“Why are you doing this !” now he’s shouting
“because it makes me feel okay”
“no it doesn’t. you’re killing yourself in a slow way, you can talk about anything you’re the one who taught me that days ago and I’m telling you everything while you’re here crying and doing this to yourself.”
“no one would listen” now I’m the one who’s crying and shouting
“I will, promise”
“forget all of this.”
“I won’t ! how do you expect me to behave after I found out the most person I love and care about is hurting herself ! to be happy? To laugh? To have fun? You’re wrong Alana. When you’re hurting yourself you’re hurting me too ‘cause we’re one soul in two bodies. I’ll listen when you talk and I’ll make you feel okay when you’re down . ‘cause that’s us. That’s Alscar.”
“I’m sorry” I can’t stop myself from crying and that’s all I can say.
“shh, come here” he opens his arms for me to hug him.
Now I realize that whenever I’m with him I feel safe, I don’t need a razor or to cry to feel okay, I need him. He is the one who can make me laugh from the heart or be happy, he is the missing part in my life and we need each other to survive from this harsh world. He is my guardian.
