Falling ➳ Hennig [4]

➳ 45

"You're in love with her."

          Not a question, but a statement. A casual observation passed through the lips of Jasmine Jones as she and Jack sat together in his living room the following night, Aniyah already sleeping peacefully in the bedroom once occupied by Spencer, but now terrifyingly bare.

          It was no secret that Jackson Bryant was terrified of loneliness. He hated the feeling that seeped into his bones, would rather Hannah had moved in with them instead of Spencer moving out, but he knew it was better this way when it all came down to it.

          For a while, neither of them said anything. The two of them sat on separate ends of Jack's worn sofa, staring at the show that was playing on the TV screen. Eventually, Jack relented, breathed a sigh through his lips before turning his head towards the woman. "Who am I in love with?" He asked, voice coming out tighter than he intended.

          "Shelley," she said, like it were the most obvious thing in the world, "You're in love with her."

          "No I'm not," Jack scoffed, but it sounded like a weak argument even to him. Maybe his feelings for Shelley were the most obvious thing in the world. "I'm not in love with her."

         There was a sigh on the other end of the sofa, and then JJ leaned forward to swipe the TV remote from the coffee table, muting the show that, just five minutes ago, they'd been laughing at. She turned to look at him, then, one leg curled atop the sofa, the other hanging off the edge. "Jack, don't lie to me," she said, and she was smiling— Jack wasn't expecting that. He was expecting her to be hurt, to be angry. He wasn't expecting this.

          "I'm not—."

          "Jackson, we've known each other for years. I know when you're lying." Her smile softened, somehow, and she was looking at him like Cara sometimes did, when he was being an idiot— but one that she loved nonetheless. "You're in love with her, Jack, and that's wonderful. I saw the way you looked at her last night, and it was like everything finally made sense for you. And that— that's all I want for you. I want for you to be happy. You deserve it, especially after all of the shit I've put you through." She was tearing up now, raising the backs of her hands to wipe away the unshed tears. "And she looks at you the same way, you know? Don't look at me like that," she laughed, a soft, sad sort of thing. "Who'd you think Aniyah inherited her observational skills from? Eli? Please." She snorted, then shifted her position, bringing both of her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. "I caught her looking at you last night, when she thought no one else could see. She's the kind of girl you deserve, you know? She'll treat you right, I can tell. Better than I ever did."

          "JJ, I—."

          "Please, let me finish, Jack," she sighed, brushed a hand through her tangled hair. "Being loved by you... it's a gift that very few people deserve. I certainly didn't deserve it, Jack. I took you for granted, treated you like shit, and yet— yet you still kept giving it to me. You kept loving me despite all of that. I used to think you were stupid, that you were an idiot for loving someone like me twice, three times. Sometimes, I still do, but Jack— I think you loved me because you were too kind, too giving, and it's what I needed. I needed someone to love me even when I couldn't love myself, but Jack—." She moved forward, closing the distance between them to take his face in her hands, looking him in the eyes. "I don't need you to love me anymore, okay? I need you to be happy, I need you to think of yourself for a change. Don't worry about me, or about Aniyah. That's my job, it never should have been yours." She pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Shelley... you love Shelley so honestly, Jack. It's different, isn't it? From the way you loved me? You can tell that, right?"

         He nodded, but didn't open his mouth. He didn't know what to say to her. He didn't know how to process all that she was saying to him.

         "You were lonely, Jack," she told him then, letting her hands drop to her lap. "I think that's part of the reason you loved me, too. Because you're kind and because you were lonely." She looked away, back to the muted TV. "And I'm okay with that. I am, because at least for a little while you weren't lonely anymore."

          He wanted to argue with her, wanted to tell her that none of this was true, but even he couldn't deny that every time he'd welcomed JJ back into his life, he'd been feeling the persistent threat of loneliness lingering in the shadows.

          "Your friends— they love you so much, you know that right?" He nodded, a silent answer to JJ's question, but one that she took anyway. "They won't let the loneliness take you, they won't. That's how it's different, though, isn't it?" She hummed. "You weren't lonely when you fell in love with her, Jack. You love her like Cara and Dylan love each other, don't you?"

          "Yes," Jack finally managed to choke out, all but collapsing against JJ, tears welling in his eyes. "JJ, I do love you, you know that, right?"

           There was a laugh, and JJ pressed a kiss to his hair. "I know you love me now. Because there isn't any of that other stuff pushing us together, no loneliness or insecurity— we're friends, Jack, and we love each other. And as your friend, I'm telling you to get your girl."

           "I'm scared," he muttered against her sweatshirt, eyes clenched shut.

           "I know," she said, "But won't that make it all the more worth it?"

---

i lowkey have no idea what was going on in this chapter, but it apparently boils down to this:

jackson james bryant, my soft boy, is terrified of being lonely. not of being alone, but of being lonely.

while he was in love with jj at first, back when they first dated, a lot of that became mixed up when they next met. a part of the reason he fell in love with her again was because of the loneliness that he felt creeping up on him, and because he knew that she needed someone to love her because she didn't, and never did, love herself.

the same thing happened the third time around. when they both agreed on meeting up, they were both intending on them being 'just friends' and nothing more, but something clearly happened that changed that. and they fell back together again.

it could boil down to it being familiar, the two of them being together. and that was something both jack and jasmine needed, something familiar. but this time around it was different, because they'd both grown into different people, into better people, and jj knew that they couldn't keep doing this, and that while she did love jack (and he loved her), she broke up with him because she knew that he deserved better, someone that isn't her.

anyway, i now have anpanman by bts stuck in my head lmao.