Mirror Image- Snowbarry AU (Collab Story With Cisco_SW)

Chapter 9

Six months past since that wretched day and Caitlin had become a complete recluse. She had locked everyone but herself out of STAR labs and had taken to living there all the time. she hadn't really spoken to anyone and mostly just worked at CCPD and then at night worked on putting the city back together. 

She hadn't spoken to Cisco or... Barry.

She had wanted to... to reach out to him and tell him how sorry she was for taking Patty away from him. She knew it was her fault but also that she should have been the one who had died instead of her. She had asked herself one question many times over. How many people need to die for me?

And whilst Barry had not died for her in a literal sense, once again he had lost everything because of her. But still, she felt solely responsible and had t not been for her selfish actions then Patty would still be alive and he would not have had to bury her for the second time. 

But what made her feel even worse was that even though she had selfishly taken away the love of his life from him, she still wrongly had feelings for him. She hadn't seen him for six months yet her heart still skipped a beat whenever she thought about him, and that was most of the time she had, and she still daydreamed about kissing him and being held by him and still dreamt of him at night in her sleep.

The only good thing about all of this was that it had put her feelings for Ronnie straight. Although he was finally available and seemed to be coping quite well with Iris not being around anymore, her feelings for him had lessened so much and had been replaced with passionate feelings for Barry that she felt as if that she no longer loved him at all. 

She had finally moved on from him despite loving him for... a very long time. She had always thought that this was impossible but it had happened. Though she had only replaced him with someone else and someone else that equally she could not have. But her feelings for Barry seemed so much stronger and more passionate than her feelings for Ronnie had ever been.

It was as if those feelings for Ronnie were just the continuation of a childish crush that was doomed to lead to nowhere and nothing in the long run but her feelings for Barry were more of something like an adult relationship. Feelings that were so much more mature and fierce and that grabbed every ounce of her attention. She knew that she was completely besotted. As if she was intoxicated and drunk on how good she felt whilst being tormented by the unrequitement of those feelings.

It is truly torture. A beautiful, bittersweet torture. 

More than anything, she wanted to see him again but her head knew that she could not ask any more of him than she already had. It would be wrong of her to demand anything else and she couldn't let herself hurt him again. He was better off without her, safer without her and better off with someone else. She's not right for him and will only bring him down. When he is finally able to move on from Patty for the second time, he deserves a woman that will take care of him and treat him the way he deserves to be treated. And as much as she wished for all the stars in heaven that she could do that and be that for him, she can't and never will be.

Besides, he probably hates her after what she did. At least that was what she thought until she saw him at The Flash Day celebrations. It was only for a split second but she saw him. Standing on his own in the corner and glancing around the place, a little nervously. Caitlin itched to talk to him but restrained herself, she was in public as The Flash and all. Not to mention that they really shouldn't be celebrating her, they should be celebrating and commemorating the memory of Patty and Iris. They were the real heroes that day. 

But Caitlin no longer had time to contemplate this Barry question because a metahuman that was later dubbed Atom Smasher attacked the celebrations and, of course, she couldn't defeat him and he almost killed Cisco and Joe.