i'll burn your name into my throat//todobaku

stop stalling, make a name for yourself

It started when he was six. First, it was the anger that rose within him every time he looked at himself in the mirror. Then it was the violent fits when he heard people talking about his future. The discomfort whenever he bathed. The explosions he'd set off in annoyance when school started. Those stupid fucking holidays that forced him into frilly dresses and pink outfits. The look his father gave him when he insisted on doing his hair up in a braid or curling it for dinner parties. 

And he soon realized the older he got, the worse it was going to get. 

When he started high school, it seemed things couldn't get any more detrimental...though he was thoroughly surprised when his teenage years proved to be the epitome of shit. At eleven years old he opted to come out to his family, though that proved to be quite disastrous for him due in part to the fact that his father wasn't the most...accepting; Masaru wasn't an asshole after he came out, just-distant. Colder. He didn't like to be alone in a room with his son after he came out, and he barely engaged in deep conversation that always ended in awkward silences. The only words they exchanged were simple commands and requests, and half-hearted farewells. Even after three and a half years, Masaru rarely--if ever--had deep conversations with his son. The pain from the indirect action no longer bothered Katsuki as much as it had the first few months around--he was used to it now. Numb to it. 

His mother, although not too bothered by his coming out, was also not accepting at first; she figured her son was different, though she refused to believe what he had told her. Mitsuki pushed any thought of her son's differences out of her mind. She didn't want to believe that he was so unusual--that one day he would wake up and wouldn't be her little princess anymore. 

Unlike Masaru however, Mitsuki was able to get over herself and her fears and support her son. Of course, she was hesitant, but she loved Katsuki unconditionally and would do anything to see him happy and comfortable with himself. 

Even if it meant dealing with his insatiable temper and seemingly never ending mood swings. 

A week after Katuski turned fifteen, he found himself sitting in front of the full body mirror that was nailed to the wall facing his window in a baggy hoodie and shorts with his ash blond, rib length hair pushed up into a cap. He held crafting scissors he had borrowed from Deku in his right hand. With the opposite hand, he pulled the cap off of his head and let his hair tumble over his shoulders and back. He stared at his reflection for a moment before he felt anger bubble up inside of him. His stare turned into a hard scowl; tears started to form in the corners of his vermilion eyes, and before he knew it, he was roughly chopping at the blond locks of hair on his head. He stopped only when his tears had clouded his vision and made it hard to see how much hair he had actually cut off. He didn't look in the mirror for a good twenty minutes, but when he finally did, he found that his hair was spiky and uneven and wonderfully fucking short. 

When Katsuki was accepted into U.A high later that night (via email), the first thing he did was tell his mother. She wasn't the slightest bit surprised that her son had cut his hair--frankly, she was actually impressed at how seemingly even the style was. Though she was surprised by how his voice sounded: like he had just screamed for an hour straight. She had noticed him starting to deepen it forcibly, though this was different. His voice was quiet. He croaked. 

Mitsuki wanted so bad to take away the pain that he was so obviously going through, even if she didn't understand it. She hated this mute, constantly angry version of her little girl--boy--and wanted nothing more than to see him smile like he did the day his quirk manifested. 

He noticed a difference in his mood when he met that stupid half and half bastard. He felt himself starting to focus more and more on his obnoxiously pretty face--focusing less on his body and its stupid shape. Katuski felt himself falling for him despite his best efforts to stop himself from doing so-having an obviously unrequited crush on a boy like him would fuck his life up. 

It was fifth period on a windy February day when he felt a tap on his shoulders that made him jump in surprise. "What the fuck do you want?" he asked in a harsh and deep voice that quickly turned into a high pitched yelp of embarrassment; Shouto stood behind the blond with a bouquet of red hydrangeas in hand and wore a timid expression on his stupidly gorgeous face. He opened his mouth to say something, but finding that nothing would come out right, Katsuki just watched the boy in front of him gather up his courage and take a deep breath. "Be my boyfriend," he said in a blunt voice, his eyes playful and bright like a child in a toy store. 

If he wasn't blushing before, he most definitely was now and it was painfully prominent because Todoroki started to turn pink too. How a boy such as Shouto would want to date a boy like Katsuki was beyond him, but he didn't want to turn him down--his feelings for half and half were just too strong to deny. 

Very obviously clearing his throat to force it deeper, Katsuki looked around for any prying eyes before murmuring a quiet, "yeah. I'll be  your damn boyfriend. Just don't tell your old man." 

Almost as soon as the blond said yes to his request, Shouto grabbed his smaller hand and kissed it. "I'm honoured you said yes." The affection surprised Katsuki and he took a little step back, hiding a would be feminine squeak from it. 

"Y-yeah well...I'll see you tomorrow." Katsuki grabbed his things and headed toward the front of the room. Aizawa was aware of his secret, and only let him go home when he felt physically ill; and despite gaining a boyfriend in the past five minutes, the thought of being outed freaked him out too much to sit well for the rest of class. 

When he arrived at home, he did something he hadn't since he was about seven years old--he ran to his mother and embraced her, holding onto the woman as if for dear life while violent tears ran down his cheeks and quiet sobs threatened to rip out of his throat. She was taken aback, and very obviously worried, so she placed a hand in her sons' fluffy hair and let him cry into her chest as much as he needed. Neither of them spoke for what felt like an eternity. 

Finally, when Katsuki seemed to calm down a bit, he pulled away. Masaru had entered upon hearing the noise, but he didn't do anything except watch; his son, nor his wife noticed his presence. 

He still refused to acknowledge Katsuki as his son. 

Brushing back his hair with gentle hands, Mitsuki pressed a gentle kiss to her sons' forehead. She kept her hand in his hair, figuring it would calm him down and it did. She didn't pry, but the worried look in her eyes did prompt Katsuki to tell her what had happened, and why he was home from school so early. 

"Shouto," he said quietly after a few moments. His mother knew of his crush on the rich boy, and when he mentioned Todoroki's name, she worked hard to coax the whole sentence out of Katsuki. 

Luckily for her, it worked. 

"We're dating now but-" a muffled hiccup. A quiet laboured breath. "He thinks I'm...You know...he thinks I'm cis." 

Mitsuki was lost. First her son was acting really affectionate with her, which wasn't new, but certainly wasn't normal. Second, why was passing so well such a problem for him? She rose a brow before asking, "Isn't that the goal?" 

"Well yeah but...Mom, I have to tell him." 

"No you don't. He isn't obligated to know." 

"He's my boyfriend. My lover. The guy who's going to kiss me and hug me and feel how fucking slender and soft I am--not even Deku has the body structure of a fucking girl!" Admitting that made him burst into panicked sobs, and he hugged himself to reassure his brain that he wasn't dying. "What if he breaks up with me and turns into a guy like dad?" Masaru winced. He didn't say anything though, and just kept watching. 

With a gentle hum, Mitsuki kissed Katuski on the head. "If he's anything like how you've told me, he won't turn his back on you. If he loves you, he loves everything that you are." She wiped his tears and rubbed his head as she tried to calm down her panicking child. "I've got you, Katsuki. You're going to be okay, kid."