Since coming out to him, Katsuki found that his bond with Shouto had grown stronger. Whether that was the feeling of being out, or the fact that their relationship progressed since then he'll never know. But what he did know was that he felt a lot different than he had when school started. Was it the freedom of being who he really was? Or was it that things were finally looking up in his life, which was seemingly a series of unfortunate events--one after another. He settled for the first, hoping that his time on this fucking earth would actually amount to something other than suffering.
Like any other hopeful time in his life, however, Katsuki knew that something shitty would happen.
It was the universes' way of putting him in his place. Reminding him he was but a speck of matter on a planet too large for one man.
Katsuki was even more distant with his family after that little incident with his boyfriend and his father, though he was relatively okay for the weeks to come. His mother let him stay out later if he was with Shouto. She would comfort him as best she could on days where his dysphoria was out of hand; she'd buy him spicy candy, or that cinnamon gum everyone hates except him. Mitsuki would hold her son against her heart--if he allowed--and stroke his hair while he told her all the shitty things about himself. He found that their relationship had only grown stronger since he came out to her. She'd bring him small portions of dinner when he wouldn't come down to eat, or bring home lame eighties movies for him to watch in his room when he wasn't up to doing anything at all.
Best of all, she understood how shitty his brain was. She understood that some days he felt like he was king of the world, and other days he felt like nobody would budge if he were gone. She validated every up and down he had, whether it be mentally or physically, and she made sure he knew he'd be okay.
But she couldn't stop it from hurting every time. There were days where Katsuki couldn't bring himself to get out of bed, let alone get up to eat. There were times when he had to FaceTime his boyfriend just so he could stop himself from doing something stupid or irrational; the action seemed feeble to him, but it seemed to actually work. Shouto was understanding of Katsuki's situation, and he helped in anyway he could.
Though, there were nights where he couldn't stop himself from doing such stupid, irrational things. It had gotten to the point where he flinched at every touch to his shoulder. And collarbone. His thighs, his ankles, any place that he had purposefully hurt in a weak attempt at getting his emotions out.
But what he hated most was hiding it from his mother. Over these past few weeks, the two had gotten a lot closer but Katsuki was still cautious; he didn't want to hurt one of the only people in his life who made him feel okay.
Made him feel like a normal boy.
_____
It was a Friday afternoon, and the weather was abnormally warm for a spring month; U.A wasn't exactly prepared for such a drastic weather change, so they had hastily bought and set up spinning fans in each classroom. Thankfully though, Katsuki wasn't as overdressed as he thought. Which meant he didn't have to take too many layers off to cool off.
But that also meant he had less layers between that cursed body of his, and the marks he had made.
When they were dismissed for lunch, he stayed behind. Watched his fellow classmates and fucking Deku walk out of the room merrily. Watched a few students from class 1-B pass by outside. Lost in thought, he didn't recognize the arms slipping around his waist from behind.
"Who the fu-"
"Who else?" Shouto mumbled against the blond's ear, biting it playfully. Katsuki yelped; he put his hands on his boyfriend's and stood up, turning around.
"Fuck off," he murmured before pressing their lips together. The couple had just started to kiss each other confidently, and were happy to really do so anywhere. Chuckling against his lips, Shouto pulled back.
The look in his gorgeous multi-coloured eyes made all of Katsuki's insecurities seemingly disappear, if only for a moment.
And only a moment it was.
When the boys pulled away from each other, Katsuki gently took Shouto's hands, pulling them off his waist and linking their fingers lightly. His head fell against his boyfriend's shoulder, his nose pressed into his neck; no one was in the class with them so their PDA wasn't particularly disturbing anybody.
Which meant Katsuki didn't have to hide as much as he did. He could drop the facade, leave the wall he built behind.
"Are you okay?"
The question caught him by surprise, though he didn't exactly seem too perplexed by it. Of course Shouto would ask him that; he wasn't acting himself, and he sure as hell looked way too off for comfort.
While Katsuki had come out to him, he hadn't exactly told Shouto everything that came with being trans. He hadn't touched on his poor mental health, due mostly in part that he didn't want to scare him off; sure, Shouto was smart, and he understood Katsuki's position somewhat, but he could never know the severity of his boyfriend's mental health.
Nor could he begin to fathom the feeling of being in the wrong body.
"Tired," Katsuki replied, pulling away to gather his things into his backpack.
"Is that all?"
He hated how perceptive Shouto could be--especially since he didn't forget what he noted; he hated how obvious his emotions were to the other boy, solely because he paid attention to him. With a silent sigh, and a slump of his shoulders, Katsuki shook his head. There were beads of sweat forming on the back of his neck where the collar of his shirt met the baby hairs on his skin.
"Summer is shitty," he said, frustration apparent in his voice. He reluctantly met Shouto's eyes while he fiddled with the buttons on his shirt, fanning himself with it. The sticky air drifted in through the open class windows. It was silent for a moment, as Katsuki tried to find the right words to say. "I can't just--take my shirt off and walk around like that you know? My binder gets sweaty and gross, and uncomfortable. It's fucking annoying."
Shouto was still for a second. He wasn't stunned, though he wasn't unfazed either; rather, he was taken aback. Finally, he opened his mouth to speak. "I wish I could fix you, Katsuki."
"How the fuck would you do that?"
"You know." He pointed to his boyfriend's body half-heartedly. "You. I wish I could like, cast a spell. Make your body the way it should be." You deserve to love yourself the way I love you, he wanted to say. He didn't. Katsuki was quiet, nibbling on his lower lip while he watched Shouto.
"...I wish I could love myself," he finally replied. He took Shouto's hand as they walked out of the classroom for lunch. "I wish I could look at my scars and curves and think 'whatever.'" He felt lips against his fingers, and blood rushing to his cheeks. When he turned to gaze at his lover, he was taken aback by the tears in his eyes. "Sho?"
The other boy waved his free hand dismissively. "I'm alright."
"No you aren't dumbass, come here." Katsuki pulled Shouto in for a tighter hug than he anticipated, though neither argued about it. He pressed a kiss to his left ear, entertaining himself by watching the frost that appeared wherever Katsuki's lips touched. "We're like those cheesy ass love dramas."
"How so?"
"It's you and I against the world."
