FADE IN:
INT. THE MUNSTERS' HOUSE
YOUNG MIA WASIKOSKA lies in bed, mourning the death of her MOTHER.
JIM BEAVER
Night night, sweet daughter of mine. Have dreams pleasanter than this scary-ass room décor.
MIA’s crying is INTERRUPTED by a STRANGE SOUND.
YOUNG MIA WASIKOWSKA
Oh god oh god oh god!
A 2003-era CGI GHOST straight out of a MUMMY MOVIE bursts into her room!
YOUNG MIA WASIKOWSKA
Pffffft HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, Guillermo, I love you but seriously, not everything needs to be CGI.
(composes self)
I mean, oh god no! Ghosts are real! Oh the horror and trauma and whatnot! 2Spooky4Me!!!!!!
GHOST MOMMY
Bewaaaare, my daughter. Bewaaaare of Crimson Peak!
YOUNG MIA WASIKOWSKA
Why? It isn’t going to bomb at the box office, is it?
GHOST MOMMY departs.
INT. EARLY 1900'S BUFFALO
YOUNG MIA WASIKOWSKA grows up into MIA WASIKOWSKA, blandly feminist writer-type lady!
MIA WASIKOWKSA
I write ghost stories that people don't take seriously because I'm a woman. I am progressively more concerned about writing successfully than getting married.
TOM HIDDLESTON
Hello.
MIA WASIKOWSKA
Welp, I'm in love.
TUMBLR
Fucking same.
TOM HIDDLESTON
And it's a good thing you've done so now because my character is going to completely fizzle out later in the movie.
CHARLIE HUNNAN
I am also around! I'm a doctor with an indeterminable accent. You would think that after years of playing an American on a television show I would have figured this out. It's just important to know that I am present in this here movie. And I’ve got a thing for Mia, I guess.
MIA WASIKOWSKA
Yay! My very own Edward and Jacob!
TOM HIDDLESTON talks to MIA'S father JIM BEAVER and his board of BUSINESS PEOPLE about financing a clay pumping invention.
TOM HIDDLESTON
You see, I really need to harvest some clay because I have a shit ton of extra clay that looks an awful lot like blood under my mansion back in England and almost nothing else. I am really fucking broke, and I seem to be using pouty desperation as my pitch.
JIM BEAVER
I hate you. You aren't American and your hands show me you have never worked physical labor. These are soft, spindly hands. I wouldn’t trust these hands to give me a handjob much less do a job. Go drink some tea, limey.
Later MIA helps JIM get ready for a party.
JIM BEAVER
Are you sure you don't want to come to this party? Charlie Hunnan will be there and he likes you.
