The Things People Don't Touch.

How I felt in School After what happened

When I walk the halls in school it makes me anxious, so I put on my headphones. I start to listen Blink-182 to walk to the beat and keep myself calm. As I listen to lyrics I like to imagine people around me with little cartoons dancing everywhere. I find peace listening to music and my imagination never ends. Now when I walk the halls of my high school I start to shake because I am afraid of my environment and what had happened to me freshman year. I figured out my friends routine, so I would run into them. I analyze my surroundings all the time. I even figured out the security guard routine without figuring out their names.

Why?

I think that's a pretty obvious question. I would take off my headphones and as the hallway becomes loud again I start to shake a bit. My junior year I couldn't finish my classes. My meltdowns got worse and I couldn't walk to class without starting to cry. I would pace the hallways to calm my nerves, but it wasn't working anymore. When I walked the dark halls it felt like the walls were crumbling around me. Only a few of my teachers understood and others didn't. My teachers started to give up on me I could tell. It broke my heart because I was really trying my best. My best wasn't worth enough though and I knew it. I can't even look at my school anymore. I had to go to online school because of the pain; I was holding in was eating me alive. Alive like I was alive at all in that time, but I did heal over time. It just took longer than I thought it would. My thoughts sometimes would jumble up and I would try to focus. Focus on thing in front of me, but then I learned I have PTSD.

PTSD

I have no words... I have nothing to say, but the pain. The pain of walking into a school and shaking scared of every little noise. When I should feel safe. They don't teach you what to do really. They tell you a few tricks thinking it will help, but honestly, they only help for a minute of your life. Every time I walk in a room I think of a plan to get out if I have a meltdown. My meltdowns are too hard for some people to handle, so when people tell me I can come to them for help. I say "no it's ok." I know people think I'm a spam. I try my best not to bother people especially people I like. It freaks me out when I find someone I like cause I want to get to know so much about them, so I keep texting them. Until they say something then I'll stop for a week tops. It's all cause of what happened to me in the past, but hey I'm okay.

Right?

The shaking got worse and I can't even walk through the doors without the air becoming stiff. It is like walking into a different realm. I kept going to student services and they created a schedule to help me back on the right track, but like I said it didn't work. So we tried a different thing called an online boring school. It had its little charms, but I would still freak out. I sat in front of a computer for three hours straight and drew all the time. I finished all the classes even though I freaked out a lot. its summertime now, but I have a lot of stories to tell so join me.