Eternal.

Chapter Twenty-Two

 

“Can I go to Ireland?” I asked mom while she was making dinner Thursday night. “When?” she asked, stirring some hash browns in an iron pan.  I remembered Aiden answering that question the day before when we got in the car to drive home from the Jack-ass Alex’s house. Was that really it? “Soon” I told her. “How soon?” she asked, opening the oven to check on the chicken. I searched for an answer in my head. Aiden hadn’t told me that one. “I don’t know, soon” I told her after a minute. Mother sighed, “Maybe someday.” I knew she wasn’t going to say yes. Last year once I got a lot better with my anxiety I tried to ask her if I could go to Australia the next summer. I knew this time would be the same. With my disorder she’s not sure if I could handle. To be honest, just thinking about being on a plane makes me stressed out. My mom knew I wanted to go to Europe someday. Not because it was something everyone wanted to do, but because it’s where my family originated from.

We all sat down for dinner and I asked again, “May I go to Ireland?” My mother sighed again and before she could answer my brother spoke up with a mouth full of chicken. “Why do you want to go to Ireland?” he asked. “Because that’s where our family comes from” I told him resting my head on my palm, jabbing my fork into my chicken. “Why do you want to go all of the sudden?” My mother asked scooping hash brown into her mouth. “Yeah, I was gonna ask the same thing” my brother said. I looked up at both of them. “Did you not hear what I just said?” I asked as more of a comment. “Don’t you think you should wait until schools over?” mom asked. “School’s over in two and a half months” I mumbled. “So?” she said, “it’s not like you have to wait a whole year for it to end.” I looked up with hope in my eyes. “So I can go then?” I asked with ambition. Mom sighed and put down her fork. “I don’t want to talk about this now. I’ve got my mind on other things and I’m eating diner” she finally said. I hated how sometimes she avoided my questions. “Yeah Bridgitte,” my brother added, “Can’t you see mom’s tired?” I shot him a look. “Since when do you realize she’s tired?”

After dinner I went upstairs to work on my homework. I pulled out my math homework and instantly remembered Alex and I met in math class five years ago. I remembered that he has been helping me with my math ever since. I could give him a bunch of random numbers, and he’d solve it. He was that good. According to the fight we had the day before when I visited him, he was never going to help me with anything ever again. “You’re the stupidest person ever, Jenny was right” he said. Jenny Taylor said that? And he agreed? How long ago did she tell him that? Maybe I wasn’t completely the problem in the relationship. It never felt like there was a problem until last week. The more I thought about Alex the more I felt betrayal. Everyone has that friend who’s too stupid to see anything around them, too dumb to realize they’re doing something wrong. We all have that friend where they’re such a sad case you feel obligated to be friends with them. Maybe that was the case. Maybe I was too blind, too dumb, too naïve to even really think about what other people thought of me. To even see myself for what I am. I am that low-life sad case no one wants but they feel they have to be friends with.  It’s like when you’re little your parents set up the play dates for you.  I slumped down more into my bed. I wanted to close my eyes and die right there. Almost as if a light bulb went off I remembered that for the last two days I hadn’t needed Alex in math class. Sure I had no one to talk to, but I was starting to actually get the work. Maybe what I had just thought about my relationship with Alex was true. In that case it’s his problem and not mine. He knew all along that I don’t wait for people; that I don’t change for anyone. He knew all along that I am who I am. If he can’t handle it, that’s his problem. Besides, I’ve got Aiden. I propped myself up on my bed and figured out math problems like nobody’s business.

I went downstairs and found my mother laying on the couch in the living room. I sat down on the arm of the sofa and watched whatever was on the TV. “That looks like that thing that’s in Ireland!” I said when I saw two guys investigating a large stone wall that’s supposed to be an ancient artifact. “That thing?” my mom asked. “Yeah, Stonehenge” I said. My mother took a second to answer. “Stonehenge is in England” she said correcting me. “Oh” I said and felt my head get all boggled. I truly thought there was a Stonehenge in Ireland too. Mother would know. She went to England twice. Yet she won’t let me go because of this damn disorder.

For one thing I was in my twenties, she’d say.

But my anxiety has gotten a lot better, I'd reply.

When I was seventeen I was taking care of my Grandmother, she'd say back.

Well my grandmother lives two hours away so I can't! I'd shout back at her.

I went to bed late that night. I stayed up writing a three page essay to my mom why I should go to Ireland. Aiden came around just as I was finishing up. "Why aren't you asleep?" he asked. "Why aren't you?" I asked without taking my eyes off the screen. I let Aiden read my essay. He said at the end it sounded convincing, although I'm not sure he understands my situation. I printed it out, and put it on the kitchen counter for when my mom wakes up in the morning. She texted me at school the next day saying she received it.

"Could I go?" I asked her when she got home from work. She sighed and looked down at my essay. "You don't know when" she said. I replied, "Whenever I can get a plane ticket I guess." She looked around for a minute. "Do you want me to drive you to track practice today?" she asked avoiding my question. I already had my sneakers on and my Track uniform in my bag. "No, I'll walk" I told her. "We'll see" she said, referring to my on-going request. I left the house hopeful. "We'll see" isn't a no, it's a "depends how you are when the time comes,” otherwise in my head, it means yes.